Is this true?

Many times I asked myself whether I've made a right decision. That this is what I truly want. Not because of some reasons I can't explain here. I hurt him. I hurt his family. People that I care.

We divorce.

I miss him a lot sometimes until I cried. Home, Bali and everything without him are not the same anymore. Our dolie gets the impact too. We were happy together. But deep down in my heart, I know that this is not enough. I can't tell him how sorry I am. And that I do love him in a unique way. God, help us to get through this situation.

Perth - Western Australia Trip, January 21-14, 2012

People here start the day late at 9 am. So when I walked out my hotel (Brittany at William), it was so quiet and surprised me.

Just 5 minutes walk from my hotel is Perth Youth Library and Museum. They park their bicycles so neatly. Love it.

In front of my hotel is this bar. Haha... No, I didn't go inside.








There are hop-in and hop-off double decker buses around city area. Free! The schedule is every 15 minutes. Don't worry of missing the bus. Get the next one. Best seat is on top.

I love watching the movies so I was intrigued to take the photos of Australia police car.

Wallabies, kangaroo.. mm what else...








Look how dandy this fellow Jack is.







This is how farmers harvest the wool without hurting their back.

Fun! The boat was speeding and the water splashed hard on us.







Sea lion, seagull and penguin as the main attraction of this Rottness Island tour.








At first I had no idea what this thing is. When I ordered food, the waiter gave it to me and told me to sit and wait. Few minutes later this thing made a sound and I learned that this means your order is ready to be fetch on the serving desk.

Cute! Parents can take their babies with them while biking around the island.

You can stay here. Many restaurants and rooms for rent.

Fuel in your boat by your self.

This is how I see what Life is

People live their life as they are forced to survive. To work so they can earn money to buy food, and make sure there are still a place to stay. To pray so they believe they don't do things for nothing, and that there is a greater force where they can place a hope on, and blame on - or find peace - when bad outcomes occur. To love so they have a companion to share the journey. To hate when things don't work the way they want.

People take part in an organization, join in an extreme adventure or just indulge in a hobby or job is merely so that they won't get bored, feel wasted, or passing day-by-day like a zombie. There must be something to feel. Something to think. Something to do. Until death comes.

It's all drama. It's just a play. It's a life.
Think this way. A bean sprout. Thousands of it. It is 'born' in a soil, grow and ripe. Time to harvest it - all or one by one. And the farmer will plant it again. We are the bean sprout. We can choose to be happy, sad, sarcastic, optimistic, careless, stupid, or devoted. Doesn't matter. It doesn't cover the fact that everything will come to an end, and start again. It's been that way for an infinite time.

This is how I see what life really is.

My hormones

Oh god! Moodku naik turun. Kerjaan disini dah mulai membosankan, pdhl byk hal baru yg bisa dan harus kupelajari. Pagi tadi aku begitu optimis, tiba2 sore ini aku dah males banget n feel bad about myself. It's stupid. Bsk akan jalan2 sm tmn2 kantor. Sblmnya semangat membara, sekarang rasanya ingin membatalkan acara dan tidur aja sepanjang weekend. Just to be alone. With my dog.Waiting for husband to come home.

Ngusir bosen telp rumah n berbicara dgn keponakanku yg mau masuk TK. Mama akan datang nengok aku dirumah minggu depan bareng sm kakak yg hampir tiap bulan dtg Bali u/ kerjaan BTS. I think I miss home a little. Bbrp kali pulang gak menyempatkan diri u/ nyekar. I think I miss to talk to them (the death ones - in front of their graves). Hmmm....

I'm going to say it.

I will do it, sooner or later. Knowing that the risk is going to be tremendous. Best or worse to come. I must find God first. The rest will follow. Pray God will give us courage, wisdom, passion, and hope to bring all subjects, discuss and find the win-win solutions. I know this will hurt him fiercely. But relationship is about a mutual feeling. I just have to find the perfect time, though there will never be one.

Suicidal Person

I'm a strangely logical person and very sensitive. One side I feel so sentimental, while on the other I think that what life really is; mean, cold and that shits happen. Yet, it's my second time thinking of committing a suicide. Not slicing my hand with a blade, drinking poison, bumping on a high speed truck, or jumping from the height of 150 m building. No, that will be so gross, painful and common. It should be clean and easy. I thought that it is much easier if I just die. Poof! This way I won't have to hurt everyone I love. Well, they will mourn for days, but life goes on. Because the problem is me. Not them. And I can't solve it. Nor telling them. I'm torn apart. I'm a drama queen. Still I want to die.

I will work on it.

Had a nice chat with my ex last week. He told me one important thing. Communication. I love my husband. Though I sometimes forget that. I choose him, so I must be committed. I don't want to hurt another good man. I will talk to him. Slowly. He is not easy for this kind of topic. I'll try harder. I've been acting stupid lately. I'll try to find a win-win solution. We are together, I'm happy, he's happy.

How if everything you have at the moment do not satisfy or make you happy?

God. I'm afraid.

A friend has warned me before. It might be because things I have at the moment are not what I really want. It's not that they are bad, or not good enough;  in fact I do love them. But I have not found "it" yet. "It" is what I've been missing and longing since I was a child. I always have the feeling that I am belong to a place far away and I need to find my true calling.

Yes, I'm afraid.

That someday I will leave everything behind, and the worse is, everyone I love. I often ask myself this: "Mariza, do you want to spend your whole life with someone offering you a nice steady companionship and in return, you must forget your dream? OR, do you want to spend your whole life pretending that everything is okay, a loyal husband, good children and cute grandchildren, good career, small house and a dog, but inside.. you always feel empty?

And this morning, I have this sudden thought that all I need to do is to take the risk, say goodbye, prepare for a long journey, travel the world in solo, learn from religious person, meet Dalai Lama perhaps, experience reality out there, try different occupations.. do anything that may lead me to finding what I' ve been seeking for entire life. And if it appears that it is actually me who creates my own problem by not thanking what God's been given to me... at least I know.

There is a inevitable risk that I may not be able to come home after my journey, or that people I left behind will ever forgive me. I do believe that everything is happened for a reason.

This is not about a man. Or money. This is about me. And God. what life really is. But at the moment, I don't have enough courage. That's why I don't want to get married in first place, or have children. That's not my goal. That's not a human's life purpose.

All I know is that I'm not happy. And it's not someone else mistake. Its me. Or maybe I'm a just a fool; chasing a shadow.

My heart doesn't belong to me (sadly)

I know it might be unwise to write this thing down. But I can't help the feeling, I can go crazy. There is this guy. Well, he is actually not a guy, but a boy. We became close in a matter of days. His attention was so overwhelming. I enjoyed his companion a lot. But then, he's gone - as fast and smooth as the way he approached me. I don't know what's going on. He's just busy, that's what he said, like I'm going to believe that. Nothing ever happenned. But it makes me sad, and angry; like I'm being sacked. You know how I feel, right? When you trust someone....something.

I had a trauma but it will be a very long story if I have to write it all. It's just that I'm not happy with this kind of behaviour. I wish I can hate him, or anyone who do this to me. But this heart always betrays me. I'm a forgiving soul. And so I will let my self hurt, again and again.

New Changes

Several changes had happened to me this year. I've been married for 8 months now, moved to a new house next to a river and rice field. My super cute niece (from my sister) grew so fast. I can't barely lift her. And my sister in law has given birth to a tiny baby girl on December last year in Surabaya. After 3 months now, she has becoming a lovely baby. I can't wait to go home and hug them both.

Here are they:

Abby - 3 months old

Airin - almost 2 years old

And as for myself, I don't want to have a child yet. Maybe next 2 years, if possible, since my husband wants it so much. Marriage is not all about kids, right? *sigh.. If I may say I prefer puppy, lots of them. I don't mind adopting stray puppies and abandon dogs. They are loving and amusing. I can burst in laughter just to see their behavior, or cry if they sick. Can't imagine if I have children. I can be paranoia. So, dogs are enough for now.

Career? Yes, I've resigned from previous company where I've worked for 2 years. No salary increase, no position upgrade, no friends (the turn over rate is very high - people keep coming and leaving), no standard of procedure, management is bad, and the job is boring. Amazing I could stay that long. Company I work now gives me challenging tasks, and I slowly become a marketing manager (I supposed).

Boys? Ah..there are several cute boys in this new office. Many of them got married already (pity!).

Dead dogs? Still found 1-2 on the street. I think I  get used to it (doesn't mean that the next one is welcomed). I cried badly 4 months ago when I saw my neighbor's puppy got lose and found him dead in the middle of a busy road.

Ok. Enough writing. I should get back to work. My boss didn't come to the office this morning, so I use this opportunity to update this personal blog while I still got the mood.