God. I'm afraid.
A friend has warned me before. It might be because things I have at the moment are not what I really want. It's not that they are bad, or not good enough; in fact I do love them. But I have not found "it" yet. "It" is what I've been missing and longing since I was a child. I always have the feeling that I am belong to a place far away and I need to find my true calling.
Yes, I'm afraid.
That someday I will leave everything behind, and the worse is, everyone I love. I often ask myself this: "Mariza, do you want to spend your whole life with someone offering you a nice steady companionship and in return, you must forget your dream? OR, do you want to spend your whole life pretending that everything is okay, a loyal husband, good children and cute grandchildren, good career, small house and a dog, but inside.. you always feel empty?
And this morning, I have this sudden thought that all I need to do is to take the risk, say goodbye, prepare for a long journey, travel the world in solo, learn from religious person, meet Dalai Lama perhaps, experience reality out there, try different occupations.. do anything that may lead me to finding what I' ve been seeking for entire life. And if it appears that it is actually me who creates my own problem by not thanking what God's been given to me... at least I know.
There is a inevitable risk that I may not be able to come home after my journey, or that people I left behind will ever forgive me. I do believe that everything is happened for a reason.
This is not about a man. Or money. This is about me. And God. what life really is. But at the moment, I don't have enough courage. That's why I don't want to get married in first place, or have children. That's not my goal. That's not a human's life purpose.
All I know is that I'm not happy. And it's not someone else mistake. Its me. Or maybe I'm a just a fool; chasing a shadow.
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