2014 - Wind of Change

After being "comfortably stuck" in Subak Dalam for 3+ years after the divorce, life forced me to step outside and take a leap of faith.

Early this year I lost my best friend for the past 6 years. He shared my rainy and sunny days. I raised him since he's a week old, my Dollie - the reason of many decisions I have taken. Since there were only 2 of us at home, I decided to give him 2 companions, Lady and Bonnie, so he wouldn't be lonely when I worked or traveled. I didn't want to move. I liked it in there.

But the situation that led him to pass away and some others, forced me to move out. I found a nice 2 bedrooms house in Mekar with a beautiful garden. I relocated there with the girls, closer to work and my brother. The rent of the new house is twice expensive. It's located in a complex which is much safer for a loner.

Well, who would expect that Bonnie soon gave birth to 3 amazingly cute puppies. I sterilized her soon after 2 months breastfeeding. Lady (older) is already sterile when I adopt her 2 years ago. The past 2 months was a struggle to me; whether to keep the babies or give them away. There are many considerations. Hard ones. So I left it to God, and now I end up raising all of them. Friends cancelled adopting two of them. Hmmm...It won't be easy but I'm ready. Then I bought a car in 4 years term loan.

Suddenly yesterday, there was news from my boss at the office that there will be company structure reshuffling. It hits us all.

I don't know, none of us know, how things will develop in next few months or years. I have responsibilities: my dogs, my loans in motorcycle and car, and house rent. That means only 3. No traveling. No traveling. No traveling.

I have to safe money, in case later on I have to find another job which I'm not sure will give me same salary as now. I have to think about my dogs. Not only my own pleasure. Its a big responsibility. That's why I don't want to have kids of my own.

Ok, what else will come this year? or next year?

My new boy

He's born same week as his brother's gone. now my black boy is 4 m.o. May God watches over him all the time. And to his brother too.

I'm pretending

sometimes it works. many times it doesn't.
it really hurts. like hundreds of butterflies in my stomach. like thousands of rocks inside my chest.

I'm still pretending.
that he's sleeping. he's hiding. he's playing outside. he's running somewhere.
whatever..
just to keep me calm. to keep the fear away. to ease the pain.

i'd never knew i would love like this again. even more and more.
i'd never imagined the farewell would come so fast. without a sign.
i can't believe it. i can't accept it.
I am pretending.

i fall in love again

ciko'ku dah gede. dia hampir 5 bulan skrg. tanpa terasa dia dah ambil ruang besar di hatiku. kl pergi selalu mikirin dia, gmn y dikosan, apa ada yg jahatin dia, apa dia kelaparan dll. kl dgr dia nangis ato gonggong, aku lsg tergopoh2 liat ada apa. waktu ciko sakit, aku sampe nangis. jujur aku takut. takut kehilangan dia. sm spt aku kehilangan ciko2ku yg dulu. aku begituuu sayang. apa Tuhan akan ambil yg ini jg.

dia lucu sekali dan menggemaskan y?

Ciko sakit u/ pertama kali

Kemaren aku kerja dr rumah (web-marketer can actually work anywhere as long as there is computer and internet connection). paginya kubuat bersih2 dapur yg dah dipenuhi kantong plastik bekas belanjaan, abis gitu mandiin ciko n diriku sdiri mandi keramas. trus jam 10 aku n ciko tidur dikamar.

Dimulai jam 11, aku dgr Ciko bersuara ceguk-ceguk. kirain keselek aku tdr lg. 30 menit kemudian ciko tidur disamping kasur dibawahku n ceguk2 lagi. aku bangun, kuliat dia muntah di 3 tempat. lsg kubuka pintu kamar n ciko kurantai diluar. muntahannya itu sarapan dia paginya yaitu nasi n hati ayam, masih utuh.

abis bersihin, aku mulai online (buka laptop and connect). tnyata ciko masih lanjut ceguk2 sampe jam 4 sore. mulai dari sisa nasinya, air dan lendir. drastis sekali perubahan dia. telinganya layu, matanya sayu, perutnya kempes. aku sampe mau nangis. kutelp anton, kublg ntar kujemput 1 jam lebih awal, yaitu jam 5 krn ciko sakit n mau kubawa ke klinik.

anton sampe rumah, blg kl ciko sebaiknya dikasih susu aja u/ netralisir racun krn blm tau sakitnya apa. kublg g boleh, n benar.. ciko dlm sedetik lsg muntahin lg susunya. kita ke dokter, yg blg kl ciko keracunan dan u/mencegah infeksi, disuntik pantatnya 3x (g tau apa aja). trus dikasih 2 mcm resep obat diminum selama 4 hr. perintah dokter kl ciko g boleh makan nasi dulu selama 3 hr. bubur jg blm boleh. jd dikasih kaldu, madu, ato kuning telor.

kasian ciko ketakutan dinaikkan ke meja periksa dari lempengan logam dingin. sambil sembunyi dibdn anton yg memeluk ciko erat2 sewaktu distetoskop dokter n disuntik. dokter bilang kl ciko manja bgt. sepjg perjalanan pulang-pergi, ciko diem aja tidur. biasanya dia akan berdiri dan meronta2 pgn liat kiri-kanan, sambil ngerasain telinganya berkibar2 kena angin.

sampe rumah, anton n aku ntn tivi. eh ciko dah beol banyak bgt (mungkin pengaruh obat) di dpn kamar. and it's very stink plus lendir, sampe aku mau muntah bersihinnya. abis gitu cikonya ceria lg meski agak lemes. aduh.. hatiku rasanya ploong.. mlm itu dia tidur lebih awal.

paginya ciko bangunin aku jam 4.30 (dgn tangisannya). kupindahin dia dr "kandang" ke rantai dpn kmrku trus tidur. jam 7 aku bangun lg n main2 sm ciko. dia dah sembuh krn mulai gigit2 tanganku lagi. dgn suara lembut, pelan dan terharu aku berulang kali bilang " ciko'ku dah sembuh ya. duh pintarnyaa.." sambil elus2 kepalanya. kukasih dia sarapan 2 telor ayam rebus dan air madu. sblm brkt kerja, aku paksain ciko nelan 2 obatnya, yg lalu tidur.

hr ini aku mau plg lebih awal. moga2 di kosan dia baik2 aja. sampai skrg aku masih terheran2 bagaimana bisa emosi dan kehidupanku begitu mudahnya dikacau-balaukan oleh mahluk berbulu itu.