Society makes me a fake person

I'll give you facts. And along with these, are also conclusion or assumption based on my perspectives and experiences.

1. I don't like some people because they have hurt me, but I still smile and talk to them when I meet them. Simply because they are my co-workers and I have to do it to keep the working environment conducive and avoid myself being childish or rude.

This relationship is fake. I'm fake.

2. Some friends don't like other friends, but they are still hangout together. It makes me wonder whether they do the same to me.

Then this relationship is just another fake.

Society makes me a sinner. Every time I do something (mostly) related to other people that goes wrong, I feel bad about myself. Envy. Lust. When I'm alone, I can be myself.

True, society in some occasions bring out the best in me. It gives me comfort, assurance, food, shelter, work, etc. I also agree that from relationship with people, I'll get to know myself better.  But it also draws the ugly part of me that when it appears, I'm shocked and disgusted with myself.

I don't want to re-marry. Nor sharing the house with someone else. If I'm going to live in the same roof with other people, it would be my family. People whom I've known from ages.

I'm ok with the way I live at the moment. I may not be complete and real. But at least, I don't fake it. I prefer to be alone and lonely than being fake.

My Bucket List

1. Places to visit:

• Ireland
• New Zealand
• Galapagos
• Peru

2. Things to do:

• Finish number 1 above :) for sure, right!
• Meet Dalai Lama

I think that's all. I don't ask much.

2014 - Wind of Change

After being "comfortably stuck" in Subak Dalam for 3+ years after the divorce, life forced me to step outside and take a leap of faith.

Early this year I lost my best friend for the past 6 years. He shared my rainy and sunny days. I raised him since he's a week old, my Dollie - the reason of many decisions I have taken. Since there were only 2 of us at home, I decided to give him 2 companions, Lady and Bonnie, so he wouldn't be lonely when I worked or traveled. I didn't want to move. I liked it in there.

But the situation that led him to pass away and some others, forced me to move out. I found a nice 2 bedrooms house in Mekar with a beautiful garden. I relocated there with the girls, closer to work and my brother. The rent of the new house is twice expensive. It's located in a complex which is much safer for a loner.

Well, who would expect that Bonnie soon gave birth to 3 amazingly cute puppies. I sterilized her soon after 2 months breastfeeding. Lady (older) is already sterile when I adopt her 2 years ago. The past 2 months was a struggle to me; whether to keep the babies or give them away. There are many considerations. Hard ones. So I left it to God, and now I end up raising all of them. Friends cancelled adopting two of them. Hmmm...It won't be easy but I'm ready. Then I bought a car in 4 years term loan.

Suddenly yesterday, there was news from my boss at the office that there will be company structure reshuffling. It hits us all.

I don't know, none of us know, how things will develop in next few months or years. I have responsibilities: my dogs, my loans in motorcycle and car, and house rent. That means only 3. No traveling. No traveling. No traveling.

I have to safe money, in case later on I have to find another job which I'm not sure will give me same salary as now. I have to think about my dogs. Not only my own pleasure. Its a big responsibility. That's why I don't want to have kids of my own.

Ok, what else will come this year? or next year?

Why

I can still remember you, my love. All of you.
The betrayal, pains and happiness you have given me.  

Both tears and laughters. I cannot forget.
You make me fear to feel.

I can not love anymore. I'm afraid.

Is this true?

Many times I asked myself whether I've made a right decision. That this is what I truly want. Not because of some reasons I can't explain here. I hurt him. I hurt his family. People that I care.

We divorce.

I miss him a lot sometimes until I cried. Home, Bali and everything without him are not the same anymore. Our dolie gets the impact too. We were happy together. But deep down in my heart, I know that this is not enough. I can't tell him how sorry I am. And that I do love him in a unique way. God, help us to get through this situation.

Being 30

When i was off the pc, i had so many things in my mind to write down in this blog. But when i already here, i forgot it all. I will try to memorize and type some that i still recall.

• yesterday was my 30th birthday. its nothing to me. just another number. i can feel 17 or 45 anytime my mood brings me to.
• yesterday morning when i drove out of gang melati, i found that the stray dog nearby i saw couple of times before, had already died, laid in a grass. guess he died at night/dawn. he looked peaceful. i'm happy for him. this is odd. but maybe deep in my heart i know that he's been suffering a lot when he was alive. no master, no home, no food, bad skin disease. my mind kept wandering about my Ciko and Dolie.
• last week before Nyepi, on the way home from office around 7 pm, i felt so tired of life and questioned my presence. been hundreds of time.
• planned going home to Sby on Nyepi (Mar 25), got my hair highlighted, bought new shirts and digicam. met all friends there.
  
• i was so excited going to Singapore on April 8. got me headache thinking about it a looott...

these are all i can remember now. i'm sure there were many things else. but i couldn't.
is it because of age? haha.. maybe. i'm short-minded anyway.

Love is not going to wait for you

as far as i acknowledge, there were 2 guys having crush on me. years gone by. i felt a bit honored that they, at least one of them admitted it to me, that he's been waiting for me since 6 years ago. but i was never there long, and they never here at all.

just before the end of 2008, i heard one of them is getting married this january. the one i deeply loved a long time ago. i congratulated him and deleted his number from my mobile. and now the other one is barely contacting me. he is online everyday at yahoo messenger, but we rarely say hi. there was no conflict, no nothing. it's just faded away.

i am sad. i fell that i lose something. its like beatiful pieces of my past is gone.
i know i must be realistic. they phoned me thousand of hours, they were willing to pay the airline tickets. but why i didn't choose them, is an undeniable reason. simply because...."they never here at all". they never visited me. i believe, if you really love someone, you will cross the sea just to see her smile. i did. i came to them.

and so it went by. now i'm here with someone really cherish me. i'm not going to wait for anybody else. and no one is expecting me also.

Tentang mengikuti suara hati

aku pgn kerja krn i want to, not because i have to.
aku pgn kerja dimana pekerjaan itu sudah merupakan hobi dan hiburan bagiku, bukan suatu tekanan atau kewajiban.

aku sudah kerja di bidang IT selama hampir 7 thn skrg. dari staff warnet kampus dan skrg IT supervisor. ilmuku g byk sih, but i guess i'm lucky enough krn aku g smart2 amat (ky iklan coklat), dan kl kutekuni trus, aku bs jd seorg IT manager dlm 2-3 thn . Tp kl dipikir bnr2... aku g mau!

aku lulusan FKIP bhs Inggris, dgn artian aku bs jadi guru, or even dosen. pendptan guru/dosen lumayan bgt lho, like you can go to S'pore sethn 2x. dulu sempet jd freelance/part time teacher, thn segitu gaji per jam dah 40 rb, waahh.. Tp akhirnya aku berhenti krn aku g suka jd guru.

aku sempet jd Trainer u/ kegiatan Outbond selama 1 thn. berkat itu aku bisa ke Bandung dan Bali: free, gaji 4 hr 900 rb, and full facilities. it was really fun. syg hrs berakhir krn mslh management. andai aku mementingkan urusanku sdiri, drpd solidaritas ssma teman. hehe..

aku pernah kerja di Dive Operator. meski sbg IT jg, cukup menyenangkan krn aku hobi diving dan bisa dive free 1bln sekali ke seluruh Bali. aku pgn jd Dive Master/Instructor someday. tp krn mahal, sampe skrg g kesampaian.

aku pgn kerja di suaka alam/margasatwa. aku pgn punya peternakan, menggembala ternak2ku di padang rumput, bukit, lembah, sungai dan pegunungan.

aku pgn punya Tours and Travels agent suatu hari, inclusive paket Outbond.

aku pgn buka Pet Shop and Boarding nanti sekitar umur 40 thn.

aku pgn punya restoran, dimana design kuatur sdiri dan menu aku masak sdiri. meski g strsnya.

eh, aku sempet pgn jadi arsitek dan pelukis jg lho.

That's all.
--

tapi aku bingung. aku percaya bahwa aku duduk ditempat ini krn aliran kehidupan. tapi apa aku ditakdirkan u/ ini? ato krn aku g berani membuat keputusan u/ mengikuti suara hati?

Berbahagialah mereka yg sudah menemukan jalan hidupnya.

Jewels of Life

the title suddenly popped up in my head. jewel is something that we consider as the most valuable thing. it doesn't have to be diamond, gold or pirate's treasure. in my 29 years age, I've just realized it now. when i already loose some.

let's say life is a journey. along the path, there will be dusts, rocks, rains, rivers, uphills and downhills. it's a one way route. what we are today is what we decided yesterday. what we want for tomorrow, we must do today.

there's time we'll see a beautiful rock but we'll never know whether the rock is actually a diamond or just a well shaped one. it's on your decision to put it in your pocket or just leave it there. or maybe you've already have it along with you all this time, you just take it as it is, not knowing that it's your jewel. and when it's gone......

so
cherish and love what you have now.
if you don't have, take one. just pick one good for you. don't be hesitated cause we can't go back. if you decide to wait, yes there's a chance the best will come for you. but be aware, that you might have left it behind a long time ago or even... just now.

tomorrow we will never know. that's why i prefer to spend my live today with the love ones.

why hold back on happiness?

Still here

He's still here. He's not going anywhere. He's just playing at the field next door. He's just playing around, outside the house. He's not home yet. I can still see him anywhere here. I can still feel his presence.

He's special. He's very special. No one like him. No one will ever like him. I love him like i never love anyone. I fall in love since i first saw him.

My heart's really broken. My mind can't believe what happen. My body still reacts the way i used to be with him; when he's around.

But i believe he's still here. He's just not coming home yet. That's why i can't see him. That's why i can't be with him.

It's April 22nd

I'm not fitting in

kerjaku sekarang sama spt rata2 kerjaanku sblmnya. sama dlm artian, aku cukup enjoy apa yg ada. bedanya, i make friends with various characters and wiser adaptation. i get knowledge more than before and i make money higher everytime. tapi aku tetep merasa ada yang kurang pas. ini bukan tempatku. aku merasa ada tangga lagi yg harus kunaiki. ada tempat lain yang harus kutuju. aku gak berhenti disini. aku gak boleh berhenti disini.

bukannya aku gak puas. bygkan kita mendaki sebuah gunung yg blm pernah kita datangi. setiap kalinya kaki melangkah naik makin tinggi ke bukit. tiap kalinya kita menoleh kebelakang, kita tau kalo tempat kita skrg dah lebih tinggi dari sblmnya. tp selain itu, kita tau kl ini bukan tujuan akhir. ini cuma pos perhentian sementara. itu yg kurasakan. meskipun aku gak tau mana puncaknya, tp aku tau aku harus naik dan naik lagi. seperti pengalamanku meraih puncak Semeru. aku kecapekan, aku ngomel, aku stress dan aku nangis. MANA PUNCAKNYA?!! so that i can stop, relax and enjoy.

I'm always longing a giant leap. one step that will bring me 5 or 6 stairs above. kpn ya datangnyaaaa???

Condolence to a friend

Suddenly at 9 am on Monday i got sad news that my friend's baby has passed away. She was just 2 months old beautiful baby. she was their first child. i went to their house with the other friends right away. it was all men there. so i went inside to meet his wife who i don't know much. not knowing what to say, i hugged her and rubbed her hair. hoping that keeping her in conversation will make her not cry for temporary, i asked and said few things delicately. then i stepped outside to meet my friend, the father. he said that he couldn't believe it. they were playing with the baby the other morning and she suddenly got fever.. and the next few hours..died. at hospital.

Death is everywhere. i mean it happens so naturally, so quick, and no exception. Before, on Sunday me, anton and ciko went to vet clinic for ciko having his 3rd vaccine. we wait outside the doctor's room who was examining a big white dog -seemed like kintamani- covered in a thick blanket. Then the dog brought outside to its owner car. while i thought that the dog was heavily sick, its actually dead. The clinic staff said that the doctor had'nt done anything yet when it's brought inside and died.

Back to my friend's baby. This morning the baby was cremated since they are Chinese family. When i was with the mother on the first day, i was going to tell my experience too. How my grandparents died and i wasn't there; when my dogs died and i was so sorry not there again. Feels like they had been kidnapped from me; feels that your heart had been taken away just like that. How i think that it's what is called Death, and like it or not, we must accept. And how i curse death. But i held my tongue cause i didn't think its the right time to say. Well... Nothing to say then.

still something missing

i have a loving future husband, a beautiful dog, a promising career and a new motorcycle. but still there's something felt not right.

i know it's not about the man, cause i've chosen him. and it's not about money, cause i 'm sure even if i have $2000 salary, i won't feel enough.

this missing part.... makes me sad. wondering what is it. when i can cover this.
is it my past? is it my dream that hasn't come true?

what?

Harga Sebuah Keteledoran

pernah gak kamu mikirin ini? kalo karena blg/mikir > "lupa", "lho iya ya", "waduh, shrsnya aku td", "ah ga perlu", "ah nanti aja".. bisa membawa penyesalan ato kesusahan u/kamu ato org lain.

dibawah aku mencoba mengkategorikan bbrp keteledoran ato kesalahan berdsrkan besar-kecil akibatnya:

1.ringan:

• g bw payung, ya kehujanan
• kunci ketinggalan, hrs jauh2 balik kantor/rumah lg
• blm jg psn kue, saat pesta kelabakan
• males bw baju ganti, akhirnya masuk angin
• gengsi bilang cinta, kekasih hati yah kesamber org lain
  

2.sedang:

• lupa nutup pintu, kemalingan deh
  
• lupa matiin gas kompor, bisa jadi kebakaran
• lupa bawa dompet n identitas, bisa kena tahan/tilang
• lupa gak kirim report, bisa kena SP 1 dari kantor
• cuekin peringatan dokter, stroke kumat, kena serangan jantung
• g blg sorry, hilang sebuah persahabatan/hubungan
  

3.berat:

• g pake sabuk pengaman, kl tabrakan bygkan aja
  
• mengacuhkan peringatan menara, pswt bisa tabrakan
• lupa pake kondom, bisa hamil
• menyepelekan jumlah penumpang, kapal bisa tenggelam
• salah itung 1 inchi, gedung bisa roboh saat gempa
• salah prediksi, bisa kepanggang dlm bunker
• gak kunci gembok pengaman, truk kayu gelondongan jatuh nimpa org2

Jadi lain kali.. bnr2 mikir 2x ya seblm berbuat sesuatu. hal2 kecilpun kl diacuhkan, bisa membuat kamu sedih, marah, kerepotan, nyusahin, bahkan membunuh org ato dirimu sdiri. Ada sebab, ada akibat. Kamu mungkin g akan dpt second chance lg. Believe me.. Menyesal itu gak enak!!!

Pleasure vs Happiness

membedakan antara kesenangan dan kebahagiaan.
is it a matter of period of time?

if it's short then it must be pleasure.
if it's for a long time, then it's got to be a happiness.

true?

short = lust?, long = desire?
how will i differentiate them? don't i deserve my happiness since it's started from small thing?

now i want it. there's someone i want. and he wants it too. should i?
but i made my promises. could i?
small fun will sometimes destroy happiness. but i will surely be happy if i have fun.

So?

We are going to die.

I'm so afraid. I was taking a ferry from Bali to Java. I was taking a plane from Java to Bali. How if the ferry goes down? How if the plane crashes?

Got trapped inside. Unable to move or save my life. Water everywhere and enter my lungs. I wouldn't be able to breathe, to escape.

Where will i go when i die? Is it world among death in earth, where you wake up and find yourself alone in a strange surrounding, ghosts, fearful faces, dark places... horrors. Or is it in a bright, white place with flowers, birds, the one who left you before, grandparents, beautiful faces... peace.

And i haven't said goodbyes to my lover, family. Since death takes the chance away. How about my career? And will i go to hell? For my sins.

If i would meet you in my death, Maxi... then it's ok. 7 of us would be together again.

But.. WHAT HAPPEN WHEN I DIE?