Society makes me a fake person

I'll give you facts. And along with these, are also conclusion or assumption based on my perspectives and experiences.

1. I don't like some people because they have hurt me, but I still smile and talk to them when I meet them. Simply because they are my co-workers and I have to do it to keep the working environment conducive and avoid myself being childish or rude.

This relationship is fake. I'm fake.

2. Some friends don't like other friends, but they are still hangout together. It makes me wonder whether they do the same to me.

Then this relationship is just another fake.

Society makes me a sinner. Every time I do something (mostly) related to other people that goes wrong, I feel bad about myself. Envy. Lust. When I'm alone, I can be myself.

True, society in some occasions bring out the best in me. It gives me comfort, assurance, food, shelter, work, etc. I also agree that from relationship with people, I'll get to know myself better.  But it also draws the ugly part of me that when it appears, I'm shocked and disgusted with myself.

I don't want to re-marry. Nor sharing the house with someone else. If I'm going to live in the same roof with other people, it would be my family. People whom I've known from ages.

I'm ok with the way I live at the moment. I may not be complete and real. But at least, I don't fake it. I prefer to be alone and lonely than being fake.

Talking - Chatting

The truth is.. i don't like chatting as i don't like to talk much in real life. I talk when I bored, want to make a joke, or change information (some I realize later on are not important at all). I enjoy gossiping though, as a listener! Even when i tried to get close to a handsome boy, i didn't want to say anything stupid and unnecessary so i ended up making jokes. (well... jokes are stupid and unnecessary!)



That's why i don't write much. And when i wrote, i didn't focus on the topic. Some of my posts were repetitive. Even right now.. i don't know what i want to say. It's junk.

That's why i don't sms my friends much. I don't make a phone call just to say hi. And I don't make a house visit.

But I do enjoy moments with friends. Watching their behaviors, listening to their conversation and making sarcastic comments (hahahaha.. just to tease them).

Well.. i guess i must admit that i'm not a very good friend. But i'm lucky i have many good friends.

Minggu, 21 Sept, 08

Abis mkn mlm dgn suami tmn dari Jepang yg baru 2x jumpa, dan teman kuliah yg mengajak seorg tmn yg sudah kukenal. It was fun, and he's a fun person too. Kami bercanda spt tmn lama. Lama sekali aku tidak tertawa dan mengeluarkan joke2 spt itu. 2..3 thn yg lalu?

Tp waktu berpisah.. aku merasa sangat2 tidak enak. Pikiran itu mengusikku sampai aku tiba dirumah dan menulis blog ini. Did i give him a wrong impression? Aku g mau dia berpikir aku ini tidak sopan. Aku g mau tmn kuliahku dan tmnnya itu berpikir aku ini sembarangan.

Tp napa pula aku beranggapan spt itu? Bukankah kami ini teman lama, dan sudah tau masing2. Sejak kpn aku peduli apa pikiran org ke aku? Ok, dari dulu, tp sejak kapan hal ini menjadi hal yg sangat penting dan mengganggu sekali untukku? Ok, sejak 2 thn blkgan ini. Tapi kenapa? Apa penyebabnya?

Hey, i was joking. We were joking. Tp siapa tau kl hal2 kecil spt itu tnyata direkam di benak masing2, yg kemudian akan menimbulkan penilaian akan org tsb. Atau the way i'm joking is not fun at all? I'm honest dan aku suka mengeluarkan kata apa adanya, sebagian bsar purely krn aku ingin sekedar menggoda tmnku itu aja. No more.

Yah, kuakui aku tidak mengatakan yg sesungguhnya ttg aku kl aku bercanda. I say what they want to hear and things to make the conversation alive. But since when i care so much about the way i joke and say?

Sejak di Bali, aku lebih sering menyendiri. Not that i dont have friends. Byk tmn yg ngajakin jln. But i feel comfortable alone. Dulu aku tidak spt ini. Aku tidak keberatan menghabiskan waktu berjam2 bolos kuliah ato les, sekedar ngobrol tidak tentu di ruang kampus bersama2 tmn Mapala. Dan kadang2 aku sgt merindukan masa2 itu sampai aku menitikkan airmata dan berpikir " i wish i can go back".

Td sambil berkendara plg, ada satu gagasan timbul.. gmn kl aku jadi seorg anti-sosial? Thay way aku g perlu hrs pusing2 berpikir ttg anggapan org lain, ttg problema berteman, sakit hati, dll yg pasti muncul dlm setiap hubungan antar manusia.

Dogs are better. They don't judge. They don't take side. They don't get offended. Yeah, maybe i should become an anti social. Tp bukan yg extreme. Sekedar membatasi aja. Mungkin teman2 yg sudah mengenalku akan heran. It's so not me. But i know myself better.

...being hard to others...

Some friends and colleagues said that I have a hard personality. Not strong, just hard. I won't deny it.

if people make mistakes, i tend to do nothing and let them finish it them selves.
if people hurts my feeling, i tend to remember it and when i get a chance, i will return the pain.
if people makes me angry-disturbed-waste my time, i tend to confront them with no doubt.

and hundreds other.

is that mean that I'm rude? not easy to forgive and forget? can't take critics?

whatever! live is hard. the lessons are not always nice and smooth. i had it before. so other people must have it too. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!

Spiritual Quotient

As continuation of my previous post on EQ, I read more and found about "SQ”.

EQ, we are told, accounts for more than 85% of exceptional achievement. Research shows that the more complex the task, the more important is one’s EQ. Results of a variety of studies provide us with some stunning figures. The top 1% of programmers in the IT industry for example had 1300% higher productivity than their peers. While technical skills were necessary here, they were hardly sufficient. The differentiators were elements of emotional intelligence displayed through collaboration and teamwork. Harvard professor and leadership guru Warren Bennis claims that in every case of leadership failure he has encountered it is always character and judgment that have led to the problem. Character and judgment are the result of EQ.

The hallmarks of EQ are Self-Awareness, Self-Management, Social Awareness and Social Skills. Those with high EQ are motivated, self-disciplined, aspire to excellence, continually seek re-skilling and learning and add value. These qualities sustain long term business development and build strong corporate cultures that promote high morale and prevent loss of talent...”

“…Now we have SQ (Spiritual Quotient). While IQ allows us to think and EQ helps us relate, SQ allows us to do both these things during times of rapid change. IQ & EQ were sufficient in a relatively static world. SQ provides the linkage in times of paradigm shift and chaos.

Those with high SQ have the capacity to question, think creatively, change the rules, and work effectively in changing situations by playing with the boundaries, break through obstacles and being innovative. Our SQ encourages us to see the bigger picture, to be co-creators of the world in which we live.

While IQ allows us to analyze what “is” - the traditional role of academia - and EQ helps us to adapt to the world as it changes, it is SQ that has us transform our world into a whole new order of being. The way to develop our IQ is quite different to that which develops our EQ, which is different again to that which develops our SQ…”

my EQ

Lately I realize that I got angry in a matter of second, just for a simple little thing such as someone forgot to trash his tissue paper and left it on my desk; so I begin to find solution how to coup with this negative feeling. Is there any course or discussion group of people with this disturbed emotion meet and share every week?

Today I got disturbed again so I google to find the explanation of EQ.

“…out-of-control emotions can make smart people ineffective.

What are EQ Strengths?

How do you score according to Goleman's list of what characteristics determine how successfully you handle impulse and deal with upsets? Do you have the following attributes?

1. Self Control: Are able to manage disruptive emotions and impulses effectiveness.

2. Trustworthiness: Display honesty and integrity

3. Conscientiousness: Dependable and responsible in fulfilling obligations

4. Adaptability: Flexible in handling change and challenges

5. Innovation: Open to novel ideas, approaches, and new information.

And how are you when people give you feedback? (Or indeed are you even open to accepting feedback?)

What we are effectively talking about is emotional maturity; an openness, willingness and self-confidence to develop and grow, to be mature in how we handle others and ourselves.

In business for example it is the ability to step aside from your emotional reaction in an upsetting circumstance and look logically at what actually happened - and sometimes being that honest can be very confronting! However it enables you to see where the other person is coming from, and what you need to do to fix things.

I'm tempted to conduct EQ test to find out my score. While for my IQ score, it was 114. i got it when i was in High School. But I think my EQ is below normal. hehehe..

How’s your EQ?

Idol and Enemy

I never have an idol.
Since i was a kid when it was the age of a child to adore a public figure such as singer, actress/actor, football player, cartoon hero or simply his father or mother. When my sister was an admirer of Fariz RM and my brother loved so much to watch Gaban.

I just thought that we all humans. Nobody is higher or more perfect than others. True that some people have something more compared to other people. But it's just 1 thing. That other people also have something that the famous people don't have. It is balance.

You like something or someone, okay. But becoming fans when it's not controlled could turn you to be a maniac. Love necessarily. It's dangerous. Why do you think terrorist do what they do?

Having an idol and be so maniac about it will lead to many bad things.

I never have an enemy.

.............

still something missing

i have a loving future husband, a beautiful dog, a promising career and a new motorcycle. but still there's something felt not right.

i know it's not about the man, cause i've chosen him. and it's not about money, cause i 'm sure even if i have $2000 salary, i won't feel enough.

this missing part.... makes me sad. wondering what is it. when i can cover this.
is it my past? is it my dream that hasn't come true?

what?

bad.. bad thoughts

kadang aku pgn banting barang2. ada waktunya aku pgn bunuh seseorg. kl ada org nungging, gmn ya kl aku tendang. eh org nyebrang jln raya, dorong ke arah truk/bis ah.

pernah pgn tau rasanya nyuri hape ato duit. shabu2 ky apa sih? cowok itu looks great in bed. "bodoh, salah sdiri." gmn kl org itu (g kenal) kutimpuk batu. males ah byr utang. pasti i feel better kl bisa nyalahin someone. mobil ini kugores ah (lewat parkiran). kl keramik ini kupecahin..

and many more.
ask your self, do u ever feel n think the same?