Life Before This Life, Life After This Life

Not a common title for a blog, huh? Its the issue of what we usually call - "reincarnation". Hindu and Buddhist believe in it as a part of their religion. I - now Christian believe it too (or at least I want to). Since I was a child, I've always been haunted by a very strange feeling, suddenly strike in in an unexpected moment or place. Dreams of something I felt I've experienced before. I hate it. I miss it. It's like something unfinished. It's like something is calling me.

I always try to find the logical explanation of this feeling and dreams. Maybe I've dream about it before and so when I dream it again, I recognize it. Maybe I've been in that place and it was a great moment, very unforgettable so that next time I come again or be in a similar situation, I recognize the emotion.

Still I don't have the answer.

Last week, my co-workers and I had a lunch together and we talk about "spirit world". Since 2 of them is Hindu, the topic and conversation were very interesting. Before we were born, we already lived and that after we die, we continue live as another form of life. It can be human, plant, animal, spirit or just wind.

If that's true, maybe it can explain my problem. Many of my problems. Maybe in this life, I still carry on memories and emotions from previous life. So strong that it can pass death. So strong that it makes me sad or very strange every time I have it.

I really wish I know the what, who, when, why and how.

Thank you, Facebook

Wow. i finally found him. A boy in my class on third grade. or four? God! it's been over 20 years ago! That was a first time to me as a little child having crush with opposite sex. He moved in from Jakarta and studied in my school only for 1 year, and continued i-didnt-know-where. I always dream that someday I will meet him again, and who knows, maybe get together. Yeah.. i'm sure he never knew that he has a fans in Sby for a long time.

And yesterday.. I found him on facebook. OMG! I LOVE TECHNOLOGY! He's still look like what I always remembered. Now he looks mature and extremely handsome just what I always thought he would be. But I know there's no chance for me to near him. it's ok, I'm happy enough to find him at last. Thank you, life!

Dolie - Si Nakal

His name is Dolie, age 1.2 years. Bit me once. Fight with another dogs a lot. Broke his chains many times. Hate cats, flies, home-lizards and people shouting.

Been vaccinated twice, injected twice (since he's wounded after the fights), de-worm twice, etc etc.

I think of him everyday. when i leave him at home in the morning, i always pray God will take care of him until i come back in the afternoon. Hope that he won't follow me to street, hope he won't escape and bite someone or fight again, etc etc.

I want to buy or rent a house next year so that i won't be worried again and he can have his own privacy and more space. I wish, really wish, that he will accompany me for a long time.

I love him, God.

Love to eat

with a new hair color and eyeglases especially for the trip (hehe.. norak amat seh), aku meng-explore makanan2 yg ada di SG. ada char kwee tiaw (ya kwetiau biasa gitu), pok piah(ky lumpia tp aneh), roti prata (sama aja ky di stall india di Indo) disajikan dgn gule kambing, bak kut tea (baikut tibak'e, tak kira teh ijo kek), teh tarik (sehari bisa 3x minum), snack2 alias gorengan seharga 1-2 dollar (kok g ada ote2?) krn isinya udang, cumi, ayam (pantes mahal!). trus yg di photo ini, aku pesen di stall korea, menu set 33. harga sekitar 4 dollar ato 30 rebu. isinya daging sapi empuk bgt, dimasak saos teriyaki, pake kuah kepiting, sambal mangga dan acar kol. Wuenaaakk..!


yesterday, tiba2 aku pgn ngumpulin resep. krn dikulkasku ada cumi, udang, ayam, iga sapi, keju, sayuran dll. bosen mknan biasa ato beli di warung, aku pgn masak ala resto mahal. salah satu menu yg kutemukan kmrn di (dapur blogspot apa gtu) adalah:

GULAI UDANG KACANG POLONG

Singapore... finally

April 8 - 10 was a chaos.

We missed the airplane to Jakarta, forced us to buy new tickets that cost us 750rb. Anton was trapped at Singapore Custom for more than an hour, leaving me waiting outside with thousands of butterfly in my stomach. We didn't get the 12.30 ferry and the next, from Harbourfront to Batam Center so that we must take Sekupang alternative at 3.50 just 30 minutes before our departure to Jakarta, risking another flights. Cost us S$47 and rapid heartbeat.

April 8 - 10 was an amazing holiday.

This was our first trip to Singapore and planned since February. We booked the hotel 2 weeks before the date. 1st night was in Chinatown, 2nd night was at Carpenter St. very near to Clarke Quay MRT (mass rapid transportation). Funny how we spent almost 3 hours a day inside the MRT station.

We had the famous Char Kwee Tiauw for our dinner, it appeared to be the same as the one in Indonesia. For breakfast, we went to Little India and ordered Roti Prata. Weird.. how we ate bread with Gule Kambing. hahahaha.. Then I bought souvenirs in Chinatown.

Our favorite drink during our stay was Teh Tarik for 80 cents. And for the last dinner we met Denny at Suntec City and ahead to Lau Pa Sat, one of the famous food center in Singapore. We had Pokpiah, Clamp Fried Rice, and Carrot Cake. Strange that there was actually no carrot at all. Thank you for the amazing dinner, Den.

Fully loaded, we walked and took some pictures in front of Merlion and Esplanade Theater. I barely could not feel my legs, but we enjoyed it much. In nutshell, I admired the cleanliness and efficiency of Singapore, thanks to the discipline attitude of the residence and regulation of local authority. Hope Indonesia someday can be like that.

Water and Stone

This is where I work now. A CMS web design company, using joomla, mambo, drupal, wordpress, magenta and osCommerce theme and template building. I thought that they would be difficult for me to learn. But actually they are simple.

Why I said that? Are you familiar with, and user of friendster, blog and simple html? If yes, then you can also acknowledge CMS I stated above in a short time.

I'm happy working here. I get new skills, and its good for my CV. yee... (^-^)/
www.waterandstone.com

Being 30

When i was off the pc, i had so many things in my mind to write down in this blog. But when i already here, i forgot it all. I will try to memorize and type some that i still recall.

• yesterday was my 30th birthday. its nothing to me. just another number. i can feel 17 or 45 anytime my mood brings me to.
• yesterday morning when i drove out of gang melati, i found that the stray dog nearby i saw couple of times before, had already died, laid in a grass. guess he died at night/dawn. he looked peaceful. i'm happy for him. this is odd. but maybe deep in my heart i know that he's been suffering a lot when he was alive. no master, no home, no food, bad skin disease. my mind kept wandering about my Ciko and Dolie.
• last week before Nyepi, on the way home from office around 7 pm, i felt so tired of life and questioned my presence. been hundreds of time.
• planned going home to Sby on Nyepi (Mar 25), got my hair highlighted, bought new shirts and digicam. met all friends there.
  
• i was so excited going to Singapore on April 8. got me headache thinking about it a looott...

these are all i can remember now. i'm sure there were many things else. but i couldn't.
is it because of age? haha.. maybe. i'm short-minded anyway.

Got a job already

It's Water and Stone, the third IT company I will be working with. Actually I've been interviewed there 2 years ago, in 2007. But since I applied in new position I never had skills before, I failed. This time I passed with no sweat. It's Web Content Manager. Doing SEO, editing stuff, some online marketing, HTML and uploading.

Couple of times I tried to find "woman-jobs" such as Secretary, Office Manager, Personal Assistant and Sales Manager. But I failed all. I know I don't have skill and experience on these positions, but many times when I was doing the IT things, I feel bored.

I didn't have IT bachelor degree, instead it's English teacher's. But since I graduated from university, I always worked in IT field. Always. I never imagined working in this area. Many times I think that life has a strange way to drag me into this point. It's not that I'm not grateful but it will be good for me to have various skill so I can survive when it's needed.

Let's just go through it!

De Ja Vu

4 years ago in December 2005 ( i can't believe its already 2009 now, how time passes by so quickly) company where i worked as a Web Content Editor for more than 3 years got bankrupt. 14 employees were sent home with a good resignation package.

2 years ago in April 2007, again another company where i worked as an SEO specialist for 7 months closed down. another acceptable resignation package.

2 weeks ago in February 3rd 2009, (*deep sigh) company where i worked as a Web Marketing and Supervisor for 1.8 years suffered a tremendous loss. more than 50 people were sent home. i received a quite good compensation.

ironic, huh!
i don't know whether i should laugh, or sad. because there's nothing to laugh for, or sad of. it's no body's fault. the wheel of life is rolling now.

February 3, 2009

Owner of the company where I worked for 1.8 months in a one fine Tuesday held a meeting with all staffs. He announced: "company will be merged to headquarters and all employees will be given a good-bye package. not all of you will join the new one."

and so here I am. browsing for jobs everyday.
getting fired again for 3 or maybe... 4 times?

At last

--1--
are you going to be married?
who?
you
really? who?
you!

--2--
yes, i'm going to be married next month
why didn't you tell me before? why hurry?

--3--
can we still be friend?
not with a married man, not you

--4--
do you still in bali?
why?
i will go there
so?
nothing
why didn't you tell me you were going.. and now already being married?!!


NOW
i'm so confused. it's still here. and real.

Love is not going to wait for you

as far as i acknowledge, there were 2 guys having crush on me. years gone by. i felt a bit honored that they, at least one of them admitted it to me, that he's been waiting for me since 6 years ago. but i was never there long, and they never here at all.

just before the end of 2008, i heard one of them is getting married this january. the one i deeply loved a long time ago. i congratulated him and deleted his number from my mobile. and now the other one is barely contacting me. he is online everyday at yahoo messenger, but we rarely say hi. there was no conflict, no nothing. it's just faded away.

i am sad. i fell that i lose something. its like beatiful pieces of my past is gone.
i know i must be realistic. they phoned me thousand of hours, they were willing to pay the airline tickets. but why i didn't choose them, is an undeniable reason. simply because...."they never here at all". they never visited me. i believe, if you really love someone, you will cross the sea just to see her smile. i did. i came to them.

and so it went by. now i'm here with someone really cherish me. i'm not going to wait for anybody else. and no one is expecting me also.

3 Things You Love About Me

Guys and gals,

abis yg jelek2, now please list 3 things i do and say that suits you and make you think.."wow, this girl is cool". jgn merasa terpaksa. consider this is a a good deed for you, a ticket for you to enter Heaven. huahahaha... thanks again for participation.

3 Things You Hate About Me

Friends,

in this new year, i have personality resolution. and that is.. i want to be a better person.
so please write down 3 things you don't like about me; the way i think, speak and behave.
consider this as the opportunity for you to say anything about me without me being angry to you.

hehe.. thanks ya

I become an Auntie

4 days before Ramadhan 2008 my sister bore her first baby, also first grandchild to my parents. A female baby, weight almost 4 Kg. I was home just to see my niece. Her name is Airin. She's so much like her father.

Lho kan tadi sudah, pak?

Selasa, 9 Des'08, 12 siang

kriiinngg...
"ya halo" ( ngantuk). "mariza?" "betul, ini siapa?" "saya malik dari discovery plaza. saya tunggu, bukannya ada interview jam 9 pagi tadi?" "lho, kan tadi sudah, pak" "mariza ketemu siapa, dimana?" "widya, pak. HRD, di lt.2" "discovery plaza HOTEL?" "hah? hotel??. waduh saya tadi ke kartika plaza mall, pak" "kok bisa? ok saya tunggu sampai jam 1" "makasih, pak"

Selasa, 9 Des '08, 9 pagi

"permisi, saya ada janji interview." si receptionist lsg menyuruhku ke lt.2 bertemu lsg dgn HRD. "pagi, saya mariza, ada janji interview" "dgn siapa, mbak?" "waduh, saya lupa namanya. pak manik gitu kl g salah" "disini g ada. pak andik mungkin. CV sudah dikirim?" "sudah, bu. saya kirim mg lalu lewat email waktu apply" "kok ga da ya. y dah, sy interview saja".... stlh bbrp menit. "ok, mariza. kebetulan kami akan membuka divisi website. krn CV tidak ada, ntar bsk kl mariza ke mall sini lagi, tlg dikasih ke receptionist ya." "terima kasih, bu"

Minggu, 7 Des '08, 3 sore

aku dan anton jalan2 ke kartika plaza atau discovery mall. menikmati pemandangan offshore dari sebuah resto sambil menikmati es krim banana split. 1 jam kemudian stlh puas menikmati suasana tepi pantai, kami berjalan menuju parkiran. karena ada satpam, aku berpikir u/ sekalian tanya. "permisi, pak. ini betul kartika plaza, kan? karena saya ada panggilan intview dgn HRD selasa besok" "oh betul, bu. lsg saja nanti ke lt.2"

Jumat, 5 Des' 08, 5 sore

kriiinggg..
"halo, siapa ini?" "dengan mariza saraswati?" "betul, ini siapa?" " saya @#$%^ma&*ik dari discovery plaza *(^%#@" "oh iya, kenapa pak" "mariza, ada melamar kesini. bisa datang interview selasa jam 9 pagi?" " oh iya. makasih, pak. saya akan datang." (sialan. tadi yg nelp siapa ya? kartika plaza apa ya. hotel ato mall? malu juga nanya trus, ntar dikira budeg lagi.)


---
kesimpulan:

1. dlm sehari, interview bisa dilakukan minimal sebyk 2x. jd jgn lelah mengirimkan lamaran pekerjaan ya!
2. percayalah dirimu sendiri sblm percaya org lain. apalagi Satpam!!
3. jangan malu mengakui kalau kamu budeg. Malu Bertanya, Sesat di Ruang HRD!!

Kengerian

beberapa hari ini aku ketakutan. dgn adanya berita rabies, yang akhirnya dikonfirmasi positif ditemukan di ungasan, aku saking kuatirnya sampe tgnku merinding. gimana dengan anjingku? dia terbiasa kulepas sdiri u/ jln2. kl spt ini, artinya aku hrs ikat dia dikmr kosan trus menerus. dan bawa dia jalan cuma pagi dan mlm. itupun penuh perjuangan krn dia g mau dipaksa dan sbntr aja. kl dilepas, dia akan plg2 sdiri di waktu singkat. aku kasihan, tp aku g mau ambil resiko.

banyak anjing liar di bali dan sekitar kosan. rabies menular lewat air liur sekalipun. dan efeknya mematikan. dolie punya sifat dasar galak. aku pernah digigit juga pas maksa dia masuk kamar. aku kuatir bgt dia akan gigit org lain, dan disangka rabies/atopun bener terjangkit rabies. aku jg kuatir mungkin aku jadi carrier, yg akhirnya nularin dolie, adikku, pcrku ato org lain. pemerintah dah menginstruksikan u/ memusnahkan anjing2 liar di jalanan atopun anjing peliharaan yg kemungkinan terjangkit rabies.



waktu dia berumur blm genap 1 bln, aku pernah sekali ketakutan. waktu itu sedang musim distemper. byk anjing mati kena virus mematikan itu. sedang dia blm cukup umur u/ divaksin. akhirnya stlh 1 bln, aku bawa dia ke dokter u/ vaksin dan imunisasi lengkap yaitu parvo, lepto, hepatitis, distemper dan cacing. sedang u/ vaksin rabies tidak ada di bali dan tidak akan diberikan, karena bali adalah rabies-free. tapi sekarang??? aku telp klinik dah 5x. dan yg terakhir aku meninggalkan no telpku u/ dikabari begitu vaksin sudah ada. sementara itu, aku sangat sangat tidak tenang. aku g mau kehilangan anjingku lagi. GOD, I'M SO SCARED

New Exotiq Villa Holidays

After 3 "painful" months, struggling in lots of work, emotions, energy and debate, the new website of company where i have been working for 16 months is finally launched.

Same URL, totally different look. http://www.exotiqvillaholidays.com/

The work has just begun.
Post launch 1.0

Talking - Chatting

The truth is.. i don't like chatting as i don't like to talk much in real life. I talk when I bored, want to make a joke, or change information (some I realize later on are not important at all). I enjoy gossiping though, as a listener! Even when i tried to get close to a handsome boy, i didn't want to say anything stupid and unnecessary so i ended up making jokes. (well... jokes are stupid and unnecessary!)



That's why i don't write much. And when i wrote, i didn't focus on the topic. Some of my posts were repetitive. Even right now.. i don't know what i want to say. It's junk.

That's why i don't sms my friends much. I don't make a phone call just to say hi. And I don't make a house visit.

But I do enjoy moments with friends. Watching their behaviors, listening to their conversation and making sarcastic comments (hahahaha.. just to tease them).

Well.. i guess i must admit that i'm not a very good friend. But i'm lucky i have many good friends.

Tentang mengikuti suara hati

aku pgn kerja krn i want to, not because i have to.
aku pgn kerja dimana pekerjaan itu sudah merupakan hobi dan hiburan bagiku, bukan suatu tekanan atau kewajiban.

aku sudah kerja di bidang IT selama hampir 7 thn skrg. dari staff warnet kampus dan skrg IT supervisor. ilmuku g byk sih, but i guess i'm lucky enough krn aku g smart2 amat (ky iklan coklat), dan kl kutekuni trus, aku bs jd seorg IT manager dlm 2-3 thn . Tp kl dipikir bnr2... aku g mau!

aku lulusan FKIP bhs Inggris, dgn artian aku bs jadi guru, or even dosen. pendptan guru/dosen lumayan bgt lho, like you can go to S'pore sethn 2x. dulu sempet jd freelance/part time teacher, thn segitu gaji per jam dah 40 rb, waahh.. Tp akhirnya aku berhenti krn aku g suka jd guru.

aku sempet jd Trainer u/ kegiatan Outbond selama 1 thn. berkat itu aku bisa ke Bandung dan Bali: free, gaji 4 hr 900 rb, and full facilities. it was really fun. syg hrs berakhir krn mslh management. andai aku mementingkan urusanku sdiri, drpd solidaritas ssma teman. hehe..

aku pernah kerja di Dive Operator. meski sbg IT jg, cukup menyenangkan krn aku hobi diving dan bisa dive free 1bln sekali ke seluruh Bali. aku pgn jd Dive Master/Instructor someday. tp krn mahal, sampe skrg g kesampaian.

aku pgn kerja di suaka alam/margasatwa. aku pgn punya peternakan, menggembala ternak2ku di padang rumput, bukit, lembah, sungai dan pegunungan.

aku pgn punya Tours and Travels agent suatu hari, inclusive paket Outbond.

aku pgn buka Pet Shop and Boarding nanti sekitar umur 40 thn.

aku pgn punya restoran, dimana design kuatur sdiri dan menu aku masak sdiri. meski g strsnya.

eh, aku sempet pgn jadi arsitek dan pelukis jg lho.

That's all.
--

tapi aku bingung. aku percaya bahwa aku duduk ditempat ini krn aliran kehidupan. tapi apa aku ditakdirkan u/ ini? ato krn aku g berani membuat keputusan u/ mengikuti suara hati?

Berbahagialah mereka yg sudah menemukan jalan hidupnya.

Minggu, 21 Sept, 08

Abis mkn mlm dgn suami tmn dari Jepang yg baru 2x jumpa, dan teman kuliah yg mengajak seorg tmn yg sudah kukenal. It was fun, and he's a fun person too. Kami bercanda spt tmn lama. Lama sekali aku tidak tertawa dan mengeluarkan joke2 spt itu. 2..3 thn yg lalu?

Tp waktu berpisah.. aku merasa sangat2 tidak enak. Pikiran itu mengusikku sampai aku tiba dirumah dan menulis blog ini. Did i give him a wrong impression? Aku g mau dia berpikir aku ini tidak sopan. Aku g mau tmn kuliahku dan tmnnya itu berpikir aku ini sembarangan.

Tp napa pula aku beranggapan spt itu? Bukankah kami ini teman lama, dan sudah tau masing2. Sejak kpn aku peduli apa pikiran org ke aku? Ok, dari dulu, tp sejak kapan hal ini menjadi hal yg sangat penting dan mengganggu sekali untukku? Ok, sejak 2 thn blkgan ini. Tapi kenapa? Apa penyebabnya?

Hey, i was joking. We were joking. Tp siapa tau kl hal2 kecil spt itu tnyata direkam di benak masing2, yg kemudian akan menimbulkan penilaian akan org tsb. Atau the way i'm joking is not fun at all? I'm honest dan aku suka mengeluarkan kata apa adanya, sebagian bsar purely krn aku ingin sekedar menggoda tmnku itu aja. No more.

Yah, kuakui aku tidak mengatakan yg sesungguhnya ttg aku kl aku bercanda. I say what they want to hear and things to make the conversation alive. But since when i care so much about the way i joke and say?

Sejak di Bali, aku lebih sering menyendiri. Not that i dont have friends. Byk tmn yg ngajakin jln. But i feel comfortable alone. Dulu aku tidak spt ini. Aku tidak keberatan menghabiskan waktu berjam2 bolos kuliah ato les, sekedar ngobrol tidak tentu di ruang kampus bersama2 tmn Mapala. Dan kadang2 aku sgt merindukan masa2 itu sampai aku menitikkan airmata dan berpikir " i wish i can go back".

Td sambil berkendara plg, ada satu gagasan timbul.. gmn kl aku jadi seorg anti-sosial? Thay way aku g perlu hrs pusing2 berpikir ttg anggapan org lain, ttg problema berteman, sakit hati, dll yg pasti muncul dlm setiap hubungan antar manusia.

Dogs are better. They don't judge. They don't take side. They don't get offended. Yeah, maybe i should become an anti social. Tp bukan yg extreme. Sekedar membatasi aja. Mungkin teman2 yg sudah mengenalku akan heran. It's so not me. But i know myself better.

Before 30

Age of 29, and I've doing it all except drugs. All the worst things I've never thought i would have done it when i was 19. I'm not proud of myself. Friends said my blog posts were merrier before; and now I'm a bitter old dog. I laugh less, and i cry more. But I'm getting wiser.

Deep inside i refuse to grow up. This you can see when you near me. My soul is dry; keep seeking for truth and forgiven. There is a place i believe i will belong to. Not here, not now, not know where and when to find it. Past is not better than present. I can't go back and i can't stay.

Am i running from something? Or am I heading to something?

I'm so scared yet excited to what people call - life after death. But i believe my mission in this world is still not yet finished. God loves me in a very strange way. I hate and miss Him at the same time. But is there really God? Is it just human idea of something sacred and big?

I'm confused. But I'm not lost. I'm holding in.

Law of Attraction

Started when i watched "The Secret" in the beginning of this year, triggered by Oprah Show, and... now I'm addicted to Paulo Coelho books. 4 years ago i was actually planned to buy his books, but then i forgot. What a timing!

I always like the idea that universe has one language, that when you think positive, everything surround you will follow and that happiness is coming from inside of us.

I was very fond of "Burung Berkicau" (Singing Bird) and "Doa Sang Katak" (Pray of A Frog) by Anthony de Mello when i was in High School.

They are saying the same idea and speaking the same language. About human to find happiness, to fulfill their legend and befriended with nature. To release oneself from paradigm, thoughts and fear created by society over centuries. To never be afraid to become yourself and pursue dream no matter how impossible it is or that no one will support you.

It's about a journey. Journey that God has written long time before and want us to excel.

GUAN - SATE BABI: PEMOGAN, BALI

kemaren mlm, senin jam 6 sore tiba2 seorg tmn -Ricky (inset; lg mkn)- invite aku ke warung sate babi'nya - GUAN. mlm itu, sept 08 2008 adalah opening, dgn diskon 50% u/ pembeli yg berasal dari forum2 website dan kalangan tmn2 aja.





seporsi 10 tusuk seharga 7 ribu rupiah. setelah kedatanganku, ada 3 pembeli. 2 diantaranya memberi byk masukan u/ kedepannya. berkesempatan memotret, lsg kuambil bbrp photo dan menyantap hidangan cuma2 dr sang penjual. pertama kali dlm hidupku aku merasakan sate babi seenak itu. (hehe.. baru pertama kali itu sih aku mkn sate babi) dagingnya sdnri telah direndam semlm dlm bumbu rempah2, jadi terasa gurih sekali. dibakar hanya dengan kecap manis. kuncinya adalah minyak yg dipakai adalah minyak kelapa. sedangkan u/ bumbu colekan adalah kecap manis, sambal ulek, dan jeruk nipis. bagi yg kurang suka manis, disarankan menutup hidangan dgn minum teh tawar. ato minta bumbu pedas.

in overall, its quite good. and anyway its FIRST DAY. lots of input and improve are needed.

CONGRATS YA, NDENG!

My new boy

he's born same week as his brother's gone. now my black boy is 4 m.o. May God watches over him all the time. And to his brother too.