Is this true?

Many times I asked myself whether I've made a right decision. That this is what I truly want. Not because of some reasons I can't explain here. I hurt him. I hurt his family. People that I care.

We divorce.

I miss him a lot sometimes until I cried. Home, Bali and everything without him are not the same anymore. Our dolie gets the impact too. We were happy together. But deep down in my heart, I know that this is not enough. I can't tell him how sorry I am. And that I do love him in a unique way. God, help us to get through this situation.

This is how I see what Life is

People live their life as they are forced to survive. To work so they can earn money to buy food, and make sure there are still a place to stay with all those comforts. To pray so they believe they don't do things for nothing, and that there is a greater force where they can place a hope on, and blame on - or find peace - when bad outcomes occur. To love so they have a companion to share the journey. To hate when things don't work the way they want.

People take part in an organization, join in an extreme adventure or just indulge in a hobby or job is merely so that they won't get bored, feel wasted, or passing day-by-day like a zombie. There must be something to feel. Something to think. Something to do. Until death comes.

It's all drama. It's just a play. It's a life.
Think this way. A bean sprout. Thousands of it. It is born in a soil, grow and ripe. Time to harvest it - all or one by one. And the farmer will plant it again. Thousands of it. We are the bean sprout. We can choose to be a happy, sad, sarcastic, optimistic, careless, stupid, or devoted sprout. Doesn't matter. It doesn't cover the fact that everything will come to an end, and start again. It's been that way for an infinite time.

This is how I see what Life really is.

My hormones

Oh god! Moodku naik turun. Kerjaan disini dah mulai membosankan, pdhl byk hal baru yg bisa dan harus kupelajari. Pagi tadi aku begitu optimis, tiba2 sore ini aku dah males banget n feel bad about myself. It's stupid. Bsk akan jalan2 sm tmn2 kantor. Sblmnya semangat membara, sekarang rasanya ingin membatalkan acara dan tidur aja sepanjang weekend. Just to be alone. With my dog.Waiting for husband to come home.

Ngusir bosen telp rumah n berbicara dgn keponakanku yg mau masuk TK. Mama akan datang nengok aku dirumah minggu depan bareng sm kakak yg hampir tiap bulan dtg Bali u/ kerjaan BTS. I think I miss home a little. Bbrp kali pulang gak menyempatkan diri u/ nyekar. I think I miss to talk to them (the death ones - in front of their graves). Hmmm....

I'm going to say it.

I will do it, sooner or later. Knowing that the risk is going to be tremendous. Best or worse to come. I must find God first. The rest will follow. Pray God will give us courage, wisdom, passion, and hope to bring all subjects, discuss and find the win-win solutions. I know this will hurt him fiercely. But relationship is about a mutual feeling. I just have to find the perfect time, though there will never be one.

Suicidal Person

I'm a strangely logical person and very sensitive. One side I feel so sentimental, while on the other I think that what life really is; mean, cold and that shits happen. Yet, it's my second time thinking of committing a suicide. Not slicing my hand with a blade, drinking poison, bumping on a high speed truck, or jumping from the height of 150 m building. No, that will be so gross, painful and common. It should be clean and easy. I thought that it is much easier if I just die. Poof! This way I won't have to hurt everyone I love. Well, they will mourn for days, but life goes on. Because the problem is me. Not them. And I can't solve it. Nor telling them. I'm torn apart. I'm a drama queen. Still I want to die.

I will work on it.

Had a nice chat with my ex last week. He told me one important thing. Communication. I love my husband. Though I sometimes forget that. I choose him, so I must be committed. I don't want to hurt another good man. I will talk to him. Slowly. He is not easy for this kind of topic. I'll try harder. I've been acting stupid lately. I'll try to find a win-win solution. We are together, I'm happy, he's happy.

How if everything you have at the moment do not satisfy or make you happy?

God. I'm afraid.

A friend has warned me before. It might be because things I have at the moment are not what I really want. It's not that they are bad, or not good enough;  in fact I do love them. But I have not found "it" yet. "It" is what I've been missing and longing since I was a child. I always have the feeling that I am belong to a place far away and I need to find my true calling.

Yes, I'm afraid.

That someday I will leave everything behind, and the worse is, everyone I love. I often ask myself this: "Mariza, do you want to spend your whole life with someone offering you a nice steady companionship and in return, you must forget your dream? OR, do you want to spend your whole life pretending that everything is okay, a loyal husband, good children and cute grandchildren, good career, small house and a dog, but inside.. you always feel empty?

And this morning, I have this sudden thought that all I need to do is to take the risk, say goodbye, prepare for a long journey, travel the world in solo, learn from religious person, meet Dalai Lama perhaps, experience reality out there, try different occupations.. do anything that may lead me to finding what I' ve been seeking for entire life. And if it appears that it is actually me who creates my own problem by not thanking what God's been given to me... at least I know.

There is a inevitable risk that I may not be able to come home after my journey, or that people I left behind will ever forgive me. I do believe that everything is happened for a reason.

This is not about a man. Or money. This is about me. And God. what life really is. But at the moment, I don't have enough courage. That's why I don't want to get married in first place, or have children. That's not my goal. That's not a human's life purpose.

All I know is that I'm not happy. And it's not someone else mistake. Its me. Or maybe I'm a just a fool; chasing a shadow.

My heart doesn't belong to me (sadly)

I know it might be unwise to write this thing down. But I can't help the feeling, I can go crazy. There is this guy. Well, he is actually not a guy, but a boy. We became close in a matter of days. His attention was so overwhelming. I enjoyed his companion a lot. But then, he's gone - as fast and smooth as the way he approached me. I don't know what's going on. He's just busy, that's what he said, like I'm going to believe that. Nothing ever happenned. But it makes me sad, and angry; like I'm being sacked. You know how I feel, right? When you trust someone....something.

I had a trauma but it will be a very long story if I have to write it all. It's just that I'm not happy with this kind of behaviour. I wish I can hate him, or anyone who do this to me. But this heart always betrays me. I'm a forgiving soul. And so I will let my self hurt, again and again.

New Changes

Several changes had happened to me this year. I've been married for 8 months now, moved to a new house next to a river and rice field. My super cute niece (from my sister) grew so fast. I can't barely lift her. And my sister in law has given birth to a tiny baby girl on December last year in Surabaya. After 3 months now, she has becoming a lovely baby. I can't wait to go home and hug them both.

Here are they:

Abby - 3 months old

Airin - almost 2 years old

And as for myself, I don't want to have a child yet. Maybe next 2 years, if possible, since my husband wants it so much. Marriage is not all about kids, right? *sigh.. If I may say I prefer puppy, lots of them. I don't mind adopting stray puppies and abandon dogs. They are loving and amusing. I can burst in laughter just to see their behavior, or cry if they sick. Can't imagine if I have children. I can be paranoia. So, dogs are enough for now.

Career? Yes, I've resigned from previous company where I've worked for 2 years. No salary increase, no position upgrade, no friends (the turn over rate is very high - people keep coming and leaving), no standard of procedure, management is bad, and the job is boring. Amazing I could stay that long. Company I work now gives me challenging tasks, and I slowly become a marketing manager (I supposed).

Boys? Ah..there are several cute boys in this new office. Many of them got married already (pity!).

Dead dogs? Still found 1-2 on the street. I think I  get used to it (doesn't mean that the next one is welcomed). I cried badly 4 months ago when I saw my neighbor's puppy got lose and found him dead in the middle of a busy road.

Ok. Enough writing. I should get back to work. My boss didn't come to the office this morning, so I use this opportunity to update this personal blog while I still got the mood.

Mind-Troubled Lately

Akhir2 ini byk hal melintas dipikiranku. Semua negatif. Mulai dari berita pembantaian anjing, baik di Bali sndiri dan luar negeri dimanapun. Lalu hormonku yg naik turun tak mampu kupendam. Godaan untuk mengulangi petualangan2 itu. At least before the wedding. Ketakutanku yg tak beralasan saat sendirian di kmr kos bersama anjingku tercinta. Bagaimana kl dunia mengalami kekacauan spt terkena Rage Virus/zombie atau dingin berkepanjangan hingga makanan jd langka, akhirnya mereka memburuku dan anjingku. It's my greatest fear kl I can not save my dog. Gila.

Lalu aming. Dan semua yang telah mati. Aku tumbuh sebagai anak yg pendiam, selalu menyembunyikan perasaan dan menganggap kl airmata itu bentuk kelemahan. I kept my mouth shut. Then it's all happened. Tap's opened. Now I have become the person I hate before. Gampang sekali untuk mengutuk orang lain, dan marah. Seperti ada luapan emosi yang tertahan dan mengganjal didadaku, diujung lidahku, ... di hatiku. Disuatu kesempatan stlh murka, kadang aku berpikir.. tidak seharusnya aku marah sampai seperti itu.

Aku berduka untuk anjing2ku yg sudah mati. Aku selalu berduka. Sygnya Anton tidak memahami. atau mungkin krn aku tidak mau membicarakan dgn dia. atau siapapun juga. Dunia ini sakit, dan kotor. Aku tidak mau punya anak. Aku tidak mau membayangkan semua hal2 jahat didunia ini mengotori anakku. Dia juga tidak paham ini. atau mungkin krn aku tidak mau membicarakan hal ini dgn dia. atau siapapun. karena ini gila. tapi inilah yg sesungguhnya kupikirkan.

Mslh pertemanan. Aku tidak mau pusing lagi memikirkan hal itu. They are coming and going. lalu tentang benjolan2 yg kurasakan di payudaraku. nyeri sepintas yg sering menyergap dadaku. dan pening dikepala yg menggoncang. biar saja. Jangan anggap aku tidak punya Tuhan. I do. but i never get the answers.

Tentang dunia yg makin rusak, pemanasan global, kematian beruang kutub, sungai yg tercemar. plastik. tumpahan minyak. gas. lalu bermacam2 penyakit yg belum ada obatnya seperti ebola, virus hendra di australia, dsbnya. lalu rabies. dan semua manusia yg kelaparan. makes me shiver. Semua membuatku berpikir 2 kali untuk melakukan perjalanan honeymoon ke (well.. my plan is for a beijing trip). Apa aku pantas dan berani untuk itu? di satu sisi, aku bisa menggunakan uang itu untuk membantu. Atau tidak melakukan apa2 tapi hatiku tenang mengetahui aku tidak menghambur2kan uang atau tertular penyakit asing. Aku tidak mau lebih mencemari dunia ini.

Aku tidak berdaya, dan ini membuatku gila. Apa yg bisa kulakukan? I'm stuck here.

Life Before This Life, Life After This Life

Not a common title for a blog, huh? Its the issue of what we usually call - "reincarnation". Hindu and Buddhist believe in it as a part of their religion. I - now Christian believe it too (or at least I want to). Since I was a child, I've always been haunted by a very strange feeling, suddenly strike in in an unexpected moment or place. Dreams of something I felt I've experienced before. I hate it. I miss it. It's like something unfinished. It's like something is calling me.

I always try to find the logical explanation of this feeling and dreams. Maybe I've dream about it before and so when I dream it again, I recognize it. Maybe I've been in that place and it was a great moment, very unforgettable so that next time I come again or be in a similar situation, I recognize the emotion.

Still I don't have the answer.

Last week, my co-workers and I had a lunch together and we talk about "spirit world". Since 2 of them is Hindu, the topic and conversation were very interesting. Before we were born, we already lived and that after we die, we continue live as another form of life. It can be human, plant, animal, spirit or just wind.

If that's true, maybe it can explain my problem. Many of my problems. Maybe in this life, I still carry on memories and emotions from previous life. So strong that it can pass death. So strong that it makes me sad or very strange every time I have it.

I really wish I know the what, who, when, why and how.

Thank you, Facebook

Wow. i finally found him. A boy in my class on third grade. or four? God! it's been over 20 years ago! That was a first time to me as a little child having crush with opposite sex. He moved in from Jakarta and studied in my school only for 1 year, and continued i-didnt-know-where. I always dream that someday I will meet him again, and who knows, maybe get together. Yeah.. i'm sure he never knew that he has a fans in Sby for a long time.

And yesterday.. I found him on facebook. OMG! I LOVE TECHNOLOGY! He's still look like what I always remembered. Now he looks mature and extremely handsome just what I always thought he would be. But I know there's no chance for me to near him. it's ok, I'm happy enough to find him at last. Thank you, life!

Dolie - Si Nakal

His name is Dolie, age 1.2 years. Bit me once. Fight with another dogs a lot. Broke his chains many times. Hate cats, flies, home-lizards and people shouting.

Been vaccinated twice, injected twice (since he's wounded after the fights), de-worm twice, etc etc.

I think of him everyday. when i leave him at home in the morning, i always pray God will take care of him until i come back in the afternoon. Hope that he won't follow me to street, hope he won't escape and bite someone or fight again, etc etc.

I want to buy or rent a house next year so that i won't be worried again and he can have his own privacy and more space. I wish, really wish, that he will accompany me for a long time.

I love him, God.

Love to eat

with a new hair color and eyeglases especially for the trip (hehe.. norak amat seh), aku meng-explore makanan2 yg ada di SG. ada char kwee tiaw (ya kwetiau biasa gitu), pok piah(ky lumpia tp aneh), roti prata (sama aja ky di stall india di Indo) disajikan dgn gule kambing, bak kut tea (baikut tibak'e, tak kira teh ijo kek), teh tarik (sehari bisa 3x minum), snack2 alias gorengan seharga 1-2 dollar (kok g ada ote2?) krn isinya udang, cumi, ayam (pantes mahal!). trus yg di photo ini, aku pesen di stall korea, menu set 33. harga sekitar 4 dollar ato 30 rebu. isinya daging sapi empuk bgt, dimasak saos teriyaki, pake kuah kepiting, sambal mangga dan acar kol. Wuenaaakk..!


yesterday, tiba2 aku pgn ngumpulin resep. krn dikulkasku ada cumi, udang, ayam, iga sapi, keju, sayuran dll. bosen mknan biasa ato beli di warung, aku pgn masak ala resto mahal. salah satu menu yg kutemukan kmrn di (dapur blogspot apa gtu) adalah:

GULAI UDANG KACANG POLONG

Singapore... finally

April 8 - 10 was a chaos.

We missed the airplane to Jakarta, forced us to buy new tickets that cost us 750rb. Anton was trapped at Singapore Custom for more than an hour, leaving me waiting outside with thousands of butterfly in my stomach. We didn't get the 12.30 ferry and the next, from Harbourfront to Batam Center so that we must take Sekupang alternative at 3.50 just 30 minutes before our departure to Jakarta, risking another flights. Cost us S$47 and rapid heartbeat.

April 8 - 10 was an amazing holiday.

This was our first trip to Singapore and planned since February. We booked the hotel 2 weeks before the date. 1st night was in Chinatown, 2nd night was at Carpenter St. very near to Clarke Quay MRT (mass rapid transportation). Funny how we spent almost 3 hours a day inside the MRT station.

We had the famous Char Kwee Tiauw for our dinner, it appeared to be the same as the one in Indonesia. For breakfast, we went to Little India and ordered Roti Prata. Weird.. how we ate bread with Gule Kambing. hahahaha.. Then I bought souvenirs in Chinatown.

Our favorite drink during our stay was Teh Tarik for 80 cents. And for the last dinner we met Denny at Suntec City and ahead to Lau Pa Sat, one of the famous food center in Singapore. We had Pokpiah, Clamp Fried Rice, and Carrot Cake. Strange that there was actually no carrot at all. Thank you for the amazing dinner, Den.

Fully loaded, we walked and took some pictures in front of Merlion and Esplanade Theater. I barely could not feel my legs, but we enjoyed it much. In nutshell, I admired the cleanliness and efficiency of Singapore, thanks to the discipline attitude of the residence and regulation of local authority. Hope Indonesia someday can be like that.

Water and Stone

This is where I work now. A CMS web design company, using joomla, mambo, drupal, wordpress, magenta and osCommerce theme and template building. I thought that they would be difficult for me to learn. But actually they are simple.

Why I said that? Are you familiar with, and user of friendster, blog and simple html? If yes, then you can also acknowledge CMS I stated above in a short time.

I'm happy working here. I get new skills, and its good for my CV. yee... (^-^)/
www.waterandstone.com

Being 30

When i was off the pc, i had so many things in my mind to write down in this blog. But when i already here, i forgot it all. I will try to memorize and type some that i still recall.

• yesterday was my 30th birthday. its nothing to me. just another number. i can feel 17 or 45 anytime my mood brings me to.
• yesterday morning when i drove out of gang melati, i found that the stray dog nearby i saw couple of times before, had already died, laid in a grass. guess he died at night/dawn. he looked peaceful. i'm happy for him. this is odd. but maybe deep in my heart i know that he's been suffering a lot when he was alive. no master, no home, no food, bad skin disease. my mind kept wandering about my Ciko and Dolie.
• last week before Nyepi, on the way home from office around 7 pm, i felt so tired of life and questioned my presence. been hundreds of time.
• planned going home to Sby on Nyepi (Mar 25), got my hair highlighted, bought new shirts and digicam. met all friends there.
  
• i was so excited going to Singapore on April 8. got me headache thinking about it a looott...

these are all i can remember now. i'm sure there were many things else. but i couldn't.
is it because of age? haha.. maybe. i'm short-minded anyway.

Got a job already

It's Water and Stone, the third IT company I will be working with. Actually I've been interviewed there 2 years ago, in 2007. But since I applied in new position I never had skills before, I failed. This time I passed with no sweat. It's Web Content Manager. Doing SEO, editing stuff, some online marketing, HTML and uploading.

Couple of times I tried to find "woman-jobs" such as Secretary, Office Manager, Personal Assistant and Sales Manager. But I failed all. I know I don't have skill and experience on these positions, but many times when I was doing the IT things, I feel bored.

I didn't have IT bachelor degree, instead it's English teacher's. But since I graduated from university, I always worked in IT field. Always. I never imagined working in this area. Many times I think that life has a strange way to drag me into this point. It's not that I'm not grateful but it will be good for me to have various skill so I can survive when it's needed.

Let's just go through it!

De Ja Vu

4 years ago in December 2005 ( i can't believe its already 2009 now, how time passes by so quickly) company where i worked as a Web Content Editor for more than 3 years got bankrupt. 14 employees were sent home with a good resignation package.

2 years ago in April 2007, again another company where i worked as an SEO specialist for 7 months closed down. another acceptable resignation package.

2 weeks ago in February 3rd 2009, (*deep sigh) company where i worked as a Web Marketing and Supervisor for 1.8 years suffered a tremendous loss. more than 50 people were sent home. i received a quite good compensation.

ironic, huh!
i don't know whether i should laugh, or sad. because there's nothing to laugh for, or sad of. it's no body's fault. the wheel of life is rolling now.

February 3, 2009

Owner of the company where I worked for 1.8 months in a one fine Tuesday held a meeting with all staffs. He announced: "company will be merged to headquarters and all employees will be given a good-bye package. not all of you will join the new one."

and so here I am. browsing for jobs everyday.
getting fired again for 3 or maybe... 4 times?

At last

--1--
are you going to be married?
who?
you
really? who?
you!

--2--
yes, i'm going to be married next month
why didn't you tell me before? why hurry?

--3--
can we still be friend?
not with a married man, not you

--4--
do you still in bali?
why?
i will go there
so?
nothing
why didn't you tell me you were going.. and now already being married?!!


NOW
i'm so confused. it's still here. and real.

Love is not going to wait for you

as far as i acknowledge, there were 2 guys having crush on me. years gone by. i felt a bit honored that they, at least one of them admitted it to me, that he's been waiting for me since 6 years ago. but i was never there long, and they never here at all.

just before the end of 2008, i heard one of them is getting married this january. the one i deeply loved a long time ago. i congratulated him and deleted his number from my mobile. and now the other one is barely contacting me. he is online everyday at yahoo messenger, but we rarely say hi. there was no conflict, no nothing. it's just faded away.

i am sad. i fell that i lose something. its like beatiful pieces of my past is gone.
i know i must be realistic. they phoned me thousand of hours, they were willing to pay the airline tickets. but why i didn't choose them, is an undeniable reason. simply because...."they never here at all". they never visited me. i believe, if you really love someone, you will cross the sea just to see her smile. i did. i came to them.

and so it went by. now i'm here with someone really cherish me. i'm not going to wait for anybody else. and no one is expecting me also.

3 Things You Love About Me

Guys and gals,

abis yg jelek2, now please list 3 things i do and say that suits you and make you think.."wow, this girl is cool". jgn merasa terpaksa. consider this is a a good deed for you, a ticket for you to enter Heaven. huahahaha... thanks again for participation.

3 Things You Hate About Me

Friends,

in this new year, i have personality resolution. and that is.. i want to be a better person.
so please write down 3 things you don't like about me; the way i think, speak and behave.
consider this as the opportunity for you to say anything about me without me being angry to you.

hehe.. thanks ya

I become an Auntie

4 days before Ramadhan 2008 my sister bore her first baby, also first grandchild to my parents. A female baby, weight almost 4 Kg. I was home just to see my niece. Her name is Airin. She's so much like her father.