Society makes me a fake person

I'll give you facts. And along with these, are also conclusion or assumption based on my perspectives and experiences.

1. I don't like some people because they have hurt me, but I still smile and talk to them when I meet them. Simply because they are my co-workers and I have to do it to keep the working environment conducive and avoid myself being childish or rude.

This relationship is fake. I'm fake.

2. Some friends don't like other friends, but they are still hangout together. It makes me wonder whether they do the same to me.

Then this relationship is just another fake.

Society makes me a sinner. Every time I do something (mostly) related to other people that goes wrong, I feel bad about myself. Envy. Lust. When I'm alone, I can be myself.

True, society in some occasions bring out the best in me. It gives me comfort, assurance, food, shelter, work, etc. I also agree that from relationship with people, I'll get to know myself better.  But it also draws the ugly part of me that when it appears, I'm shocked and disgusted with myself.

I don't want to re-marry. Nor sharing the house with someone else. If I'm going to live in the same roof with other people, it would be my family. People whom I've known from ages.

I'm ok with the way I live at the moment. I may not be complete and real. But at least, I don't fake it. I prefer to be alone and lonely than being fake.

My sister's Wedding

sabtu kmrn nikahnya kakakku, pernikahan pertama dari garis keluarga mama. she's now married, she has been catholic since 2 years ago, following her partner. subuh kami ( aku, kakak, mama, maria -pcr adikku yg jadi pengapit n tante - ibu mempelai pria - Ricky) ke salon u/make up and hairdo.

dia pake wig kriwul panjang 3 warna, pake softlens, n make up'nya sungguh cantik. dasarny idung bangir, muka mungil n mata bulat.. dia bnr2 kaya barbie. many people then said that. dgn gaun pengantin dan kerudung putih, keliatan anggun bgt, serasi sama maria. aku n mama pake gaun merah maroon, sm ky ibu mempelai pria.

trus kita kembali ke penginapan ( beautiful house disewakan u/ umum) u. temu manten. disana keluarga besar dah nunggu. sepupuku nyeletuk "mbak, np sih kok jalannya mundur?". kujwb "lah malah td aku mau ngusulin jalan kebalik aja" wuehehe.. dah adatnya spy jgn tatapan muka dulu. pernikahan ini pake adat cina dan nikah gereja, so its totally new for all of us (dr sisi wanita).

then ahead to church. a holy, big and beautiful church. Gereja Redemptor Mundi di dukuh kupang. krn ini simple aja, jadi total tamu n keluarga cuma 50. mama-papa keliatan tegang pas sakramen nikah. aku g keliatan kedua mempelai krn membelakangi'ku. gantian aku yg nyeletuk " mar, kok gak ky di tipi2 ya? Yes i do, ciuman trus buyar".. "heh, apa, ce? aku ngantuk bgt", dasar, garing deh. pas sungkeman, mempelai wanita ribet sm gaunnya. "sana loh, mar. bantuin, kan kamu pengapitnya." iy, ce, aku soale pegel, baju ini sesek, bikin sakit". (yeah i can imagine that)

photo session berjalan lancar. aku liat mata papa merah abis nangis. (emang beliau rada melankolis). dikit gangguan krn org KUA dtg, lalu mereka upacara bntar di blkg Altar. trus semua digiring ke restoran Ye Lay. sompret! makanan blm siap, apalg minumannya. tpaksa aku n tante bukain semua soft drink, tuang ke gelas n kasih es. Pelayan2 geblek! Amatir! 30 menit kemudian makanan br keluar. Senewen, aku yg dimarahin kakakku n suruh nguber2 org di dapur. Manager sempet naik ngecek g tau ngapain.

Untung makanan enak. jam 12.30 semua ludes n keluarga mempelai pria plg Malang. kami balik penginapan n tidur sampe sore. hehe.. WHAT A GREAT WEDDING! kakakku lalu blg " la, sbnrne aku pgn lempar buket bunga ke kamu, tp tibak'e abot ( berat). lak ketimpuk iso semaput". hehe.. gpp. (photo diatas itu aku dgn masih pake sisa make up.)