I'm pretending

sometimes it works. many times it doesn't.
it really hurts. like hundreds of butterflies in my stomach. like thousands of rocks inside my chest.

I'm still pretending.
that he's sleeping. he's hiding. he's playing outside. he's running somewhere.
whatever..
just to keep me calm. to keep the fear away. to ease the pain.

i'd never knew i would love like this again. even more and more.
i'd never imagined the farewell would come so fast. without a sign.
i can't believe it. i can't accept it.
I am pretending.