Addictive

Rasa cinta itu seperti candu. Muak dan menyesakkan. Kamu ga bisa lepas darinya dan selalu merasa gelisah. Sangat menginginkannya membuat badanmu bergetar. Akhir2 ini merasakannya dan aku ga suka. Ketenanganku hilang.

Iya aku mau ketemu dia dan kalau diberi kesempatan, akan sangat indah menghabiskan waktu bersamanya. Tapi trus apa? Buat apa? It will make things complicated. Aku akan bosan, merasa terikat dll. Aku ga mau main2 lagi. Aku ga mau kesekian kalinya jadi pihak yang meninggalkan. Ditinggalkan juga sakit sih.

Aku ingin damai. Aku ga bisa berbagi hati dan hidupku dengan yg lain selama aku blm mencapainya.

Dia sudah move-on

Apparently my ex sudah nikah lagi dan balik ke Jakarta awal tahun kemaren with his new bride.

Dia sudah move on dengan caranya sendiri.

Aku sudah move on juga (well...kynya sih) dengan caraku sendiri.

It's for the best. I couldn't give him what he wanted. Dgn begini kan fair. Kita mendapat yg kita inginkan masing2 meski hrs berpisah. Krn esensi mencintai itu bukan memiliki, tp mendahulukan kebahagiaan mereka yg kita cintai.

Dia dan keluarganya ga ada yg kasih tau aku. Sedalam itukah luka yg kuakibatkan? Padahal aku mau dtg kl diundang, mau terus silahturahmi.

Kl di posisi mereka, mungkin aku melakukan hal yg sama. Atau tidak. Ga tau lah. Yg kutau pasti he didnt care about our late dog. Fair enough. Krn bagi dia dan keluarganya, aku ga care jg dgn perasaan mereka.

Ok. No regrets then. Since I believe nikah cuma sekali seumur hidup, aku ga berkeinginan untuk nikah lg. Apalagi main2.  Jadi yg di Sby itu jg musti lewat. Kupikir baik2 semlm, aku ga mau jalanin proses itu lg. Ini move on' ku.

Goodbye there

Love is a disease. Its infecting everyone. Its the cause of everything in the world.

Yes, thats the idea in my head. And I believe it.

Now that brother of friend. Cant get him out of my head these few days. I dont want to get hurt anymore. I dont want to hurt anyone anymore.

I've made some big stupid mistakes in the past. Dont want it again. I'm in the process of finding my peace of living a solitaire life, with my dogs. Its been 3 years. He is a distraction. He will become a trouble.

So I will let this one go. I do want to know him.  How he smiles, his way of thinking, his voice. It must be beautiful, I imagine. But I'm a coward. And selfish.

Damn, its gonna hurt. I've already made a plan to come home on December just to meet him. I dont even know whether he noticed me last week or remember me! See how feeling makes you silly!!

Missing you, my Dollie

Months go by. Aku kangen kamu, Dollie. Kepergianmu yg mendadak, dan sakitmu seblmnya stlh kutinggal ke Jkt. Penyesalan ini gak termaafkan.

Tuhan kasih 3 kecil2 yg lucu dan nakal sbg penggantimu. Kl kupikir apakah hrs milih kamu ato mereka, aku msh milih kamu meski hrs merelakanmu. I do hope ada afterlife dimana aku kamu dan cintaku sblmnya bisa bertemu dan bersama lagi. Maxi, Piko, Ciko. Loosing a child is so unbearable. I love you, Dollie. Good 6 years. Thank you dah nemenin aku ya selama itu dlm proses2 hidupku. Maaf atas semuanya ya.

Can't say it. Just write it.

Let's Save Bali Dogs

Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/letssavebalidogs.

Kurasa ini panggilan hidupku.

Sejak kecil aku membayangkan hidup bersama banyak hewan di sebuah lembah pegunungan. Gak ada visi keluarga disitu. No children. No husband. Jadi ketika aku keluar jalur, aku harus kembali. Aku memutuskan berpisah dgn suami dan gak ingin menikah lg.

10 tahun lagi aku akan pensiun dan pergi. Entah ke India, Tibet, Thailand ato Jogja dimana aku menjadi biksuni ato semacamnya. Hanya ada aku dan Tuhan. Atau ke pedalaman Kalimantan ato Sumatra dimana aku bisa berdedikasi untuk menyelamatkan hewan. Tapi gpp juga kl aku bisa punya shelter sendiri untuk menampung dan memelihara hewan2 terbuang.

Sementara itu aku akan menguatkan diri fokus dengan yg ada sekarang yaitu anjing2 di Bali. Ini adalah Facebook group yang kubuat 1 bulan lalu sejak aku menyadari bahwa itu yg ingin dan bisa kulakukan.

Silahkan bergabung!

Society makes me a fake person

I'll give you facts. And along with these, are also conclusion or assumption based on my perspectives and experiences.

1. I don't like some people because they have hurt me, but I still smile and talk to them when I meet them. Simply because they are my co-workers and I have to do it to keep the working environment conducive and avoid myself being childish or rude.

This relationship is fake. I'm fake.

2. Some friends don't like other friends, but they are still hangout together. It makes me wonder whether they do the same to me.

Then this relationship is just another fake.

Society makes me a sinner. Every time I do something (mostly) related to other people that goes wrong, I feel bad about myself. Envy. Lust. When I'm alone, I can be myself.

True, society in some occasions bring out the best in me. It gives me comfort, assurance, food, shelter, work, etc. I also agree that from relationship with people, I'll get to know myself better.  But it also draws the ugly part of me that when it appears, I'm shocked and disgusted with myself.

I don't want to re-marry. Nor sharing the house with someone else. If I'm going to live in the same roof with other people, it would be my family. People whom I've known from ages.

I'm ok with the way I live at the moment. I may not be complete and real. But at least, I don't fake it. I prefer to be alone and lonely than being fake.

My Bucket List

1. Places to visit:

• Ireland
• New Zealand
• Galapagos
• Peru

2. Things to do:

• Finish number 1 above :) for sure, right!
• Meet Dalai Lama

I think that's all. I don't ask much.

2014 - Wind of Change

After being "comfortably stuck" in Subak Dalam for 3+ years after the divorce, life forced me to step outside and take a leap of faith.

Early this year I lost my best friend for the past 6 years. He shared my rainy and sunny days. I raised him since he's a week old, my Dollie - the reason of many decisions I have taken. Since there were only 2 of us at home, I decided to give him 2 companions, Lady and Bonnie, so he wouldn't be lonely when I worked or traveled. I didn't want to move. I liked it in there.

But the situation that led him to pass away and some others, forced me to move out. I found a nice 2 bedrooms house in Mekar with a beautiful garden. I relocated there with the girls, closer to work and my brother. The rent of the new house is twice expensive. It's located in a complex which is much safer for a loner.

Well, who would expect that Bonnie soon gave birth to 3 amazingly cute puppies. I sterilized her soon after 2 months breastfeeding. Lady (older) is already sterile when I adopt her 2 years ago. The past 2 months was a struggle to me; whether to keep the babies or give them away. There are many considerations. Hard ones. So I left it to God, and now I end up raising all of them. Friends cancelled adopting two of them. Hmmm...It won't be easy but I'm ready. Then I bought a car in 4 years term loan.

Suddenly yesterday, there was news from my boss at the office that there will be company structure reshuffling. It hits us all.

I don't know, none of us know, how things will develop in next few months or years. I have responsibilities: my dogs, my loans in motorcycle and car, and house rent. That means only 3. No traveling. No traveling. No traveling.

I have to safe money, in case later on I have to find another job which I'm not sure will give me same salary as now. I have to think about my dogs. Not only my own pleasure. Its a big responsibility. That's why I don't want to have kids of my own.

Ok, what else will come this year? or next year?

Similarity between me and Young-Do

Saat ini lg ngikutin serial TV korea terbaru "The Heirs". Second male lead namanya Young Do diperankan oleh Kim Woo Bin. Dicerita itu dia naksir Eun Sang yg menolaknya mentah2 bahkan u/ berteman sekalipun. Well, me too.

Aku naksir Suma. Dia tinggal di Borneo. Kontak kami cuma di Facebook dan sms aja. Kita dah kenal lama sblmnya dan ga pernah ktmu lg selama berthn2.

Kemaren kublg dia krn kita memiliki hobi sama yaitu traveling (yg mungkin krn itu jg kami memilih menjadi single), why dont we try to hook up? Dlm artian open relationship. No string attached. No status. Jlni hobi spt biasa. So simple kan? 

But he said NO. Fuck! Dimana sih susahnya? I want to hurt him. Really.

Tapi kl kupikir2 its not actually him yg bikin aku cinta ato terluka. Melainkan rasa itu sendiri. Aku memprojeksikan keinginan, hasrat dan cintaku ke seseorang, which is happened to be him. Saat dia menolak this "bundle of joy", aku jd merasa bingung dan sedih. Musti kubawa kmn "package" ini. Cari potensi baru (cowok yg qualified) ini yg males n repot.

Huh! I really want to hurt him. Kekanak2an ya! So I know how you feel, Choi Young Do.

Suma

Orang yang saat ini bisa bikin aku ketawa ga jelas dan gundah gulana. Aku kenal dia 11 thn yg lalu. Bertemu beberapa kali sesudahnya untuk waktu singkat, lalu sudah sekitar 8 thn ini ga ketemu lagi. Pendiam, ramah dan asik.

Well, aku dah bilang ke dia bln lalu kl sejak pertama ketemu ada rasa. Respon dia biasa aja. That's fine. Nothing serious. Aku juga ga tau mau gimana kalo seandainya dia jg suka. Rumit juga situasinya. And i know what i want for my future (i'll tell you later). Jadi mending gini aja. Ga perlu di follow up. I like him, that's good. Beri sedikit warna dan ombak dalam cerita hidupku until then.

----- UPDATE TODAY, 01 NOV

Semalam ku bilang dia kl aku mau sms dia tiap hari no matter what his response will be. Aku decide u follow my heart and do whatever makes me happy. Dia ga blg ya, atau tidak. Well, ini hari kedua dan aku sudah mulai ragu. Hahaha... Bukan krn imanku ga kuat, tp kupikir ini sesuatu yg bodoh. Lagi in love itu meresahkan. Ky org bego lho. Hp diliatin tiap detik. Bener2 ky abg. Dan apakah he's worth it? Aku dulu bbrp kali dlm situasi ini dan semua gagal. Just name it. Fancy, Aming... So, what's the difference with this one? Dammit! Should I take back my words?