Suicidal Person

I'm a strangely logical person and very sensitive. One side I feel so sentimental, while on the other I think that what life really is; mean, cold and that shits happen. Yet, it's my second time thinking of committing a suicide. Not slicing my hand with a blade, drinking poison, bumping on a high speed truck, or jumping from the height of 150 m building. No, that will be so gross, painful and common. It should be clean and easy. I thought that it is much easier if I just die. Poof! This way I won't have to hurt everyone I love. Well, they will mourn for days, but life goes on. Because the problem is me. Not them. And I can't solve it. Nor telling them. I'm torn apart. I'm a drama queen. Still I want to die.

I will work on it.

Had a nice chat with my ex last week. He told me one important thing. Communication. I love my husband. Though I sometimes forget that. I choose him, so I must be committed. I don't want to hurt another good man. I will talk to him. Slowly. He is not easy for this kind of topic. I'll try harder. I've been acting stupid lately. I'll try to find a win-win solution. We are together, I'm happy, he's happy.

How if everything you have at the moment do not satisfy or make you happy?

God. I'm afraid.

A friend has warned me before. It might be because things I have at the moment are not what I really want. It's not that they are bad, or not good enough;  in fact I do love them. But I have not found "it" yet. "It" is what I've been missing and longing since I was a child. I always have the feeling that I am belong to a place far away and I need to find my true calling.

Yes, I'm afraid.

That someday I will leave everything behind, and the worse is, everyone I love. I often ask myself this: "Mariza, do you want to spend your whole life with someone offering you a nice steady companionship and in return, you must forget your dream? OR, do you want to spend your whole life pretending that everything is okay, a loyal husband, good children and cute grandchildren, good career, small house and a dog, but inside.. you always feel empty?

And this morning, I have this sudden thought that all I need to do is to take the risk, say goodbye, prepare for a long journey, travel the world in solo, learn from religious person, meet Dalai Lama perhaps, experience reality out there, try different occupations.. do anything that may lead me to finding what I' ve been seeking for entire life. And if it appears that it is actually me who creates my own problem by not thanking what God's been given to me... at least I know.

There is a inevitable risk that I may not be able to come home after my journey, or that people I left behind will ever forgive me. I do believe that everything is happened for a reason.

This is not about a man. Or money. This is about me. And God. what life really is. But at the moment, I don't have enough courage. That's why I don't want to get married in first place, or have children. That's not my goal. That's not a human's life purpose.

All I know is that I'm not happy. And it's not someone else mistake. Its me. Or maybe I'm a just a fool; chasing a shadow.

My heart doesn't belong to me (sadly)

I know it might be unwise to write this thing down. But I can't help the feeling, I can go crazy. There is this guy. Well, he is actually not a guy, but a boy. We became close in a matter of days. His attention was so overwhelming. I enjoyed his companion a lot. But then, he's gone - as fast and smooth as the way he approached me. I don't know what's going on. He's just busy, that's what he said, like I'm going to believe that. Nothing ever happenned. But it makes me sad, and angry; like I'm being sacked. You know how I feel, right? When you trust someone....something.

I had a trauma but it will be a very long story if I have to write it all. It's just that I'm not happy with this kind of behaviour. I wish I can hate him, or anyone who do this to me. But this heart always betrays me. I'm a forgiving soul. And so I will let my self hurt, again and again.

New Changes

Several changes had happened to me this year. I've been married for 8 months now, moved to a new house next to a river and rice field. My super cute niece (from my sister) grew so fast. I can't barely lift her. And my sister in law has given birth to a tiny baby girl on December last year in Surabaya. After 3 months now, she has becoming a lovely baby. I can't wait to go home and hug them both.

Here are they:

Abby - 3 months old

Airin - almost 2 years old

And as for myself, I don't want to have a child yet. Maybe next 2 years, if possible, since my husband wants it so much. Marriage is not all about kids, right? *sigh.. If I may say I prefer puppy, lots of them. I don't mind adopting stray puppies and abandon dogs. They are loving and amusing. I can burst in laughter just to see their behavior, or cry if they sick. Can't imagine if I have children. I can be paranoia. So, dogs are enough for now.

Career? Yes, I've resigned from previous company where I've worked for 2 years. No salary increase, no position upgrade, no friends (the turn over rate is very high - people keep coming and leaving), no standard of procedure, management is bad, and the job is boring. Amazing I could stay that long. Company I work now gives me challenging tasks, and I slowly become a marketing manager (I supposed).

Boys? Ah..there are several cute boys in this new office. Many of them got married already (pity!).

Dead dogs? Still found 1-2 on the street. I think I  get used to it (doesn't mean that the next one is welcomed). I cried badly 4 months ago when I saw my neighbor's puppy got lose and found him dead in the middle of a busy road.

Ok. Enough writing. I should get back to work. My boss didn't come to the office this morning, so I use this opportunity to update this personal blog while I still got the mood.

Mind-Troubled Lately

Akhir2 ini byk hal melintas dipikiranku. Semua negatif. Mulai dari berita pembantaian anjing, baik di Bali sndiri dan luar negeri dimanapun. Lalu hormonku yg naik turun tak mampu kupendam. Godaan untuk mengulangi petualangan2 itu. At least before the wedding. Ketakutanku yg tak beralasan saat sendirian di kmr kos bersama anjingku tercinta. Bagaimana kl dunia mengalami kekacauan spt terkena Rage Virus/zombie atau dingin berkepanjangan hingga makanan jd langka, akhirnya mereka memburuku dan anjingku. It's my greatest fear kl I can not save my dog. Gila.

Lalu aming. Dan semua yang telah mati. Aku tumbuh sebagai anak yg pendiam, selalu menyembunyikan perasaan dan menganggap kl airmata itu bentuk kelemahan. I kept my mouth shut. Then it's all happened. Tap's opened. Now I have become the person I hate before. Gampang sekali untuk mengutuk orang lain, dan marah. Seperti ada luapan emosi yang tertahan dan mengganjal didadaku, diujung lidahku, ... di hatiku. Disuatu kesempatan stlh murka, kadang aku berpikir.. tidak seharusnya aku marah sampai seperti itu.

Aku berduka untuk anjing2ku yg sudah mati. Aku selalu berduka. Sygnya Anton tidak memahami. atau mungkin krn aku tidak mau membicarakan dgn dia. atau siapapun juga. Dunia ini sakit, dan kotor. Aku tidak mau punya anak. Aku tidak mau membayangkan semua hal2 jahat didunia ini mengotori anakku. Dia juga tidak paham ini. atau mungkin krn aku tidak mau membicarakan hal ini dgn dia. atau siapapun. karena ini gila. tapi inilah yg sesungguhnya kupikirkan.

Mslh pertemanan. Aku tidak mau pusing lagi memikirkan hal itu. They are coming and going. lalu tentang benjolan2 yg kurasakan di payudaraku. nyeri sepintas yg sering menyergap dadaku. dan pening dikepala yg menggoncang. biar saja. Jangan anggap aku tidak punya Tuhan. I do. but i never get the answers.

Tentang dunia yg makin rusak, pemanasan global, kematian beruang kutub, sungai yg tercemar. plastik. tumpahan minyak. gas. lalu bermacam2 penyakit yg belum ada obatnya seperti ebola, virus hendra di australia, dsbnya. lalu rabies. dan semua manusia yg kelaparan. makes me shiver. Semua membuatku berpikir 2 kali untuk melakukan perjalanan honeymoon ke (well.. my plan is for a beijing trip). Apa aku pantas dan berani untuk itu? di satu sisi, aku bisa menggunakan uang itu untuk membantu. Atau tidak melakukan apa2 tapi hatiku tenang mengetahui aku tidak menghambur2kan uang atau tertular penyakit asing. Aku tidak mau lebih mencemari dunia ini.

Aku tidak berdaya, dan ini membuatku gila. Apa yg bisa kulakukan? I'm stuck here.

Life Before This Life, Life After This Life

Not a common title for a blog, huh? Its the issue of what we usually call - "reincarnation". Hindu and Buddhist believe in it as a part of their religion. I - now Christian believe it too (or at least I want to). Since I was a child, I've always been haunted by a very strange feeling, suddenly strike in in an unexpected moment or place. Dreams of something I felt I've experienced before. I hate it. I miss it. It's like something unfinished. It's like something is calling me.

I always try to find the logical explanation of this feeling and dreams. Maybe I've dream about it before and so when I dream it again, I recognize it. Maybe I've been in that place and it was a great moment, very unforgettable so that next time I come again or be in a similar situation, I recognize the emotion.

Still I don't have the answer.

Last week, my co-workers and I had a lunch together and we talk about "spirit world". Since 2 of them is Hindu, the topic and conversation were very interesting. Before we were born, we already lived and that after we die, we continue live as another form of life. It can be human, plant, animal, spirit or just wind.

If that's true, maybe it can explain my problem. Many of my problems. Maybe in this life, I still carry on memories and emotions from previous life. So strong that it can pass death. So strong that it makes me sad or very strange every time I have it.

I really wish I know the what, who, when, why and how.

Thank you, Facebook

Wow. i finally found him. A boy in my class on third grade. or four? God! it's been over 20 years ago! That was a first time to me as a little child having crush with opposite sex. He moved in from Jakarta and studied in my school only for 1 year, and continued i-didnt-know-where. I always dream that someday I will meet him again, and who knows, maybe get together. Yeah.. i'm sure he never knew that he has a fans in Sby for a long time.

And yesterday.. I found him on facebook. OMG! I LOVE TECHNOLOGY! He's still look like what I always remembered. Now he looks mature and extremely handsome just what I always thought he would be. But I know there's no chance for me to near him. it's ok, I'm happy enough to find him at last. Thank you, life!

Dolie - Si Nakal

His name is Dolie, age 1.2 years. Bit me once. Fight with another dogs a lot. Broke his chains many times. Hate cats, flies, home-lizards and people shouting.

Been vaccinated twice, injected twice (since he's wounded after the fights), de-worm twice, etc etc.

I think of him everyday. when i leave him at home in the morning, i always pray God will take care of him until i come back in the afternoon. Hope that he won't follow me to street, hope he won't escape and bite someone or fight again, etc etc.

I want to buy or rent a house next year so that i won't be worried again and he can have his own privacy and more space. I wish, really wish, that he will accompany me for a long time.

I love him, God.

Love to eat

with a new hair color and eyeglases especially for the trip (hehe.. norak amat seh), aku meng-explore makanan2 yg ada di SG. ada char kwee tiaw (ya kwetiau biasa gitu), pok piah(ky lumpia tp aneh), roti prata (sama aja ky di stall india di Indo) disajikan dgn gule kambing, bak kut tea (baikut tibak'e, tak kira teh ijo kek), teh tarik (sehari bisa 3x minum), snack2 alias gorengan seharga 1-2 dollar (kok g ada ote2?) krn isinya udang, cumi, ayam (pantes mahal!). trus yg di photo ini, aku pesen di stall korea, menu set 33. harga sekitar 4 dollar ato 30 rebu. isinya daging sapi empuk bgt, dimasak saos teriyaki, pake kuah kepiting, sambal mangga dan acar kol. Wuenaaakk..!


yesterday, tiba2 aku pgn ngumpulin resep. krn dikulkasku ada cumi, udang, ayam, iga sapi, keju, sayuran dll. bosen mknan biasa ato beli di warung, aku pgn masak ala resto mahal. salah satu menu yg kutemukan kmrn di (dapur blogspot apa gtu) adalah:

GULAI UDANG KACANG POLONG