kinds of dream i hate

again i had this dream. i saw my new little one lying still. it terribly makes me worry.

a friend said "leave it on life. you are like this because everyday you expect this to happen."

i don't know what to do. I'm afraid to love, and to cry, again.
it's been 5 months i join a class at local church. it's all about sins, cross of life, forgiveness, life after death, kingdom of heaven....till now, the lessons don't satisfy my questions.

i don't know what to believe. my hearts. my logic. the reality.

I am Aries

The Daredevil

Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (Easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit. Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic.

my EQ test result

http://quiz.ivillage.co.uk/uk_work/tests/eqtest.htm

here is my result, as I have predicted before. hehe...
what do you think?

...being hard to others...

Some friends and colleagues said that I have a hard personality. Not strong, just hard. I won't deny it.

if people make mistakes, i tend to do nothing and let them finish it them selves.
if people hurts my feeling, i tend to remember it and when i get a chance, i will return the pain.
if people makes me angry-disturbed-waste my time, i tend to confront them with no doubt.

and hundreds other.

is that mean that I'm rude? not easy to forgive and forget? can't take critics?

whatever! live is hard. the lessons are not always nice and smooth. i had it before. so other people must have it too. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!

Spiritual Quotient

As continuation of my previous post on EQ, I read more and found about "SQ”.

EQ, we are told, accounts for more than 85% of exceptional achievement. Research shows that the more complex the task, the more important is one’s EQ. Results of a variety of studies provide us with some stunning figures. The top 1% of programmers in the IT industry for example had 1300% higher productivity than their peers. While technical skills were necessary here, they were hardly sufficient. The differentiators were elements of emotional intelligence displayed through collaboration and teamwork. Harvard professor and leadership guru Warren Bennis claims that in every case of leadership failure he has encountered it is always character and judgment that have led to the problem. Character and judgment are the result of EQ.

The hallmarks of EQ are Self-Awareness, Self-Management, Social Awareness and Social Skills. Those with high EQ are motivated, self-disciplined, aspire to excellence, continually seek re-skilling and learning and add value. These qualities sustain long term business development and build strong corporate cultures that promote high morale and prevent loss of talent...”

“…Now we have SQ (Spiritual Quotient). While IQ allows us to think and EQ helps us relate, SQ allows us to do both these things during times of rapid change. IQ & EQ were sufficient in a relatively static world. SQ provides the linkage in times of paradigm shift and chaos.

Those with high SQ have the capacity to question, think creatively, change the rules, and work effectively in changing situations by playing with the boundaries, break through obstacles and being innovative. Our SQ encourages us to see the bigger picture, to be co-creators of the world in which we live.

While IQ allows us to analyze what “is” - the traditional role of academia - and EQ helps us to adapt to the world as it changes, it is SQ that has us transform our world into a whole new order of being. The way to develop our IQ is quite different to that which develops our EQ, which is different again to that which develops our SQ…”

my EQ

Lately I realize that I got angry in a matter of second, just for a simple little thing such as someone forgot to trash his tissue paper and left it on my desk; so I begin to find solution how to coup with this negative feeling. Is there any course or discussion group of people with this disturbed emotion meet and share every week?

Today I got disturbed again so I google to find the explanation of EQ.

“…out-of-control emotions can make smart people ineffective.

What are EQ Strengths?

How do you score according to Goleman's list of what characteristics determine how successfully you handle impulse and deal with upsets? Do you have the following attributes?

1. Self Control: Are able to manage disruptive emotions and impulses effectiveness.

2. Trustworthiness: Display honesty and integrity

3. Conscientiousness: Dependable and responsible in fulfilling obligations

4. Adaptability: Flexible in handling change and challenges

5. Innovation: Open to novel ideas, approaches, and new information.

And how are you when people give you feedback? (Or indeed are you even open to accepting feedback?)

What we are effectively talking about is emotional maturity; an openness, willingness and self-confidence to develop and grow, to be mature in how we handle others and ourselves.

In business for example it is the ability to step aside from your emotional reaction in an upsetting circumstance and look logically at what actually happened - and sometimes being that honest can be very confronting! However it enables you to see where the other person is coming from, and what you need to do to fix things.

I'm tempted to conduct EQ test to find out my score. While for my IQ score, it was 114. i got it when i was in High School. But I think my EQ is below normal. hehehe..

How’s your EQ?

Jewels of Life

the title suddenly popped up in my head. jewel is something that we consider as the most valuable thing. it doesn't have to be diamond, gold or pirate's treasure. in my 29 years age, I've just realized it now. when i already loose some.

let's say life is a journey. along the path, there will be dusts, rocks, rains, rivers, uphills and downhills. it's a one way route. what we are today is what we decided yesterday. what we want for tomorrow, we must do today.

there's time we'll see a beautiful rock but we'll never know whether the rock is actually a diamond or just a well shaped one. it's on your decision to put it in your pocket or just leave it there. or maybe you've already have it along with you all this time, you just take it as it is, not knowing that it's your jewel. and when it's gone......

so
cherish and love what you have now.
if you don't have, take one. just pick one good for you. don't be hesitated cause we can't go back. if you decide to wait, yes there's a chance the best will come for you. but be aware, that you might have left it behind a long time ago or even... just now.

tomorrow we will never know. that's why i prefer to spend my live today with the love ones.

why hold back on happiness?

To let go...

Knowing the truth is easy. Accepting it is very difficult.
Struggle between heart and brain has been an ancient human problem.
Suddenly death theme arises everywhere.
Movies and stories tell the same. Kind of striking me in the head.

Should i continue life in fear? Or just being ignorant will ever help me?
Loosing something really matters and beauty; first time i had a so deep feeling...
On and on...
Crying... missing...questioning
To let go
Or keep you here

I'm pretending

sometimes it works. many times it doesn't.
it really hurts. like hundreds of butterflies in my stomach. like thousands of rocks inside my chest.

I'm still pretending.
that he's sleeping. he's hiding. he's playing outside. he's running somewhere.
whatever..
just to keep me calm. to keep the fear away. to ease the pain.

i'd never knew i would love like this again. even more and more.
i'd never imagined the farewell would come so fast. without a sign.
i can't believe it. i can't accept it.
I am pretending.

Still here

He's still here. He's not going anywhere. He's just playing at the field next door. He's just playing around, outside the house. He's not home yet. I can still see him anywhere here. I can still feel his presence.

He's special. He's very special. No one like him. No one will ever like him. I love him like i never love anyone. I fall in love since i first saw him.

My heart's really broken. My mind can't believe what happen. My body still reacts the way i used to be with him; when he's around.

But i believe he's still here. He's just not coming home yet. That's why i can't see him. That's why i can't be with him.

It's April 22nd